?Blamed for banishing the antichrist back to hell, a gang of demons must make their way across the city, as they fight through each territory, and the monsters that hold them down, to get back to their home turf, where they think they are safe.? ? THE FIENDS – by Judah Ray

Hi, Judah.

Thanks for joining the community, always good to see new members.

We do have a code of conduct (like most similar websites), one of our core principles is helping each other out. This translates into a rule that we must review at least as many loglines as we post, therefore we ask everyone to review 2 other loglines for each one they post. The logic behind this is also to try and avoid having most of the top spots taken up by one member. Most loglines will receive more attention the closer they are to the most recently posted spots on the front page, and we want to give as many members the opportunity to have their loglines there for as long as possible.

I would have normally gone in and moderated your posts – delete any that didn’t receive feedback, but almost all of yours already have so I won’t do so in this instance. In future please be sure to post fewer loglines in one go. Though I’m sure you have your own process, posting fewer loglines will also give you the time to re-work your concepts and loglines as the feedback comes in for each one.?

Enough formalities, about your logline.

You describe an arbitrary number of characters instead of one main character, is there a plot critical reason for this? If not, I suggest focusing the logline on one main character. This will help the reader get their head around the plot, and help increase the obstacles.

More importantly, the goal is vague. What is it specifically they want? Getting back to their own turf is one thing, but what will they do once they get there?
What is it they want as a result of being accused of banishing the antichrist? Do they want to prove that they didn’t banish him? Or, do they want to find the antichrist and get him back? What goal do they have that’s causally connected to the inciting incident?

Telling a story about one character is hard enough much less six of them. Multiple main characters don’t sound critical to the plot at hand and will run the risk of shifting the POV throughout the film, this could subsequently fragment the audience’s emotional connection. I suggest identifying one main character in the whole group.

If their goal is safety then the inciting incident should clearly motivate them to need safety, currently, they’re being blamed for banishing the antichrist but this doesn’t directly imply they are in danger. I suggest you change the inciting incident to an event that clearly describes the danger they’re in, perhaps one or more of them could get killed.