The hunter becomes the hunted when a woman lures her
abusive husband into a death trap. (Short Script, 7pages)
EricaSamurai
The hunter becomes the hunted when a woman lures her abusive husband into a death trap. (Short Script, 7pages)
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“The hunter becomes the hunted when a woman lures her abusive husband into a death trap.”
I would say you have the hook, the basic concept of teh story front and center, but at the same time it seems too heavy-handed, telling the reader the basic concept in general terms rather than describing(showing, not telling) the story at hand. Would being more specific about how she lures the husband be a spoiler?
The previous version was better in that it specifically detailed the events of the story.
Interesting, so you’re saying I may be giving away too much at this point?
What about something like:
The hunter becomes the hunted when a terrified women sets in motion her escape plan before he kills her.
“…The hunter becomes the hunted…” while poetic, can be cut – it doesn’t describe a plot.
As Dkpough1 said, you need to describe the detail which makes up the plot otherwise, the logline is a vague description of a generic revenge story.
A woman lures her abusive husband into a death trap.
It’s only a 7 page script, folks. ?Nowhere near enough space in which to cram in all the usual plot points. ?The inciting incident is implied in the ?husband’s?description as “abusive”. ? The dramatic question is: ?will she succeed in killing him?
What more is there to ?say about the plot? What more needs to be said about a 7 page script?
fwiw
You can implement a full three-act structure in seven pages – the length is irrelevant. The inciting incident, of all plot points, should not be hinted at rather clearly described.
If the husband beat her prior to her trapping him, you would need to show her being beaten by him in order to maximise the dramatic need and help with audience empathy. You can have a single shot scene written in the beginning of the film of her being beaten, this can happen several days or even weeks in linear time before her taking her action as it is part of the single plot.
For example:
After being beaten by her husband a woman lures him into a death trap to end the violence for once and for all.
My problem with the story is the lack of logic, unless it is a period piece why doesn’t she tell the authorities and divorce him? It won’t be nice but better than being beaten.
I think and believe that short stories have a whole different set of ‘rule’ for the logline.
I could say everything that happens in the story but then there would be no point in reading the story.? Short stories tend not to follow the same format as a full length feature.? I’m not saying that my logline works best here but I’ve tried different version of the same story but always seem to run into the same kind of questions being asked.? It got me thinking, are these question being ask of the logline true of what would be in a short story?? I wrote another story a few weeks ago in which the question of the logline was, what’s at stake.? When I dove into the answer, it became clear to me, my short script didn’t have stakes.? It was too short for that, it was all about the set up and the twist.? Not time for stakes.? Many short stories don’t have stakes, or character arcs or even what does the character what?
Another version of the logline is this:
The hunter becomes the hunted when a terrified women sets in motion her escape plan before he kills her.
or
The hunter becomes the hunted after he draws a gun on his wife, she lures her abusive husband into a death trap.
The trick is getting the hook and drawing the reader in without putting everything on the table.? I do appreciate this discussion as when you google logline writing for short scripts, there is virtually no information on it.?? Read loglines of short stories, then read the story.? It’s tough to write.
“I think and believe that short stories have a whole different set of ?rule? for the logline.”
A logline’s sole purpose is to get someone with money to read your script. There are no set rules, which is why we often get in debates: we have different opinions on things such as the necessity of including an inciting incident, or other things.
But one thing we do agree on is that in most cases should include is the basic story. A description of the story you’re writing, one that can give whoever is reading it a clear idea of the character, and the plot.
“my short script didn?t have stakes.”
Story is conflict. Conflict creates stakes. Either you don’t recognize them in your story or you have no conflict. Stakes can be as low and as simple as someone losing their favorite blanket. Now, the character arc is true. It’s likely that a short story won’t have an elaborate arc, but any story should still characterize the character. The audience should get a feel of who this person is.
I hope this helps.
Your right, the short story I did write has conflict in it, which would be the stakes.? I think I was thinking more alone the lines of ‘Big’ stakes, like found in action movie.? And yes a logline’s soul purpose is to get someone to read/buy/make your script.
“The logline has but a single purpose: to convey the most essential elements of your story concisely, imaginatively, and smoothly. ” by John Robert Marlow? taken from his article on Building the perfect logline
WHO the story is about, what they want (their GOAL), and what stands in their way (the OBSTACLE)
So in mine, the WHO is the Abused wife,? the OBSTACLE is the Husband, thier GOAL is to escape for good.
Now maybe the wording of “death trap” is off, but If I say too much, it could ruin it.? On the other hand, if I don’t have enough, no one will read.
What I think I have works but I’m not sure.? And yes, every bit helps, Thank you.
>>>The logline has but a single purpose: to convey the most essential elements of your story concisely, imaginatively, and smoothly.
That is the means to a logline’s singular objective goal (yes, a logline, like a protagonist, should have an objective goal): sell the script, to make someone want to read the script.
The ?”Formula” resource on the web site summarizes what the “essential elements” are.
All formulas, all rules have exceptions and variations, but the general formula works for most plots, most of the time.
>>>conflict in it, which would be the stakes
The stakes are what is to be gained or lost as a result of the conflict. ?Like a boxing match. ?Whoever wins the fight, wins the prize, the acclaim.
The stakes in this story are clear enough to me: ?she’s struggling for her freedom, freedom from the pain and humiliation of a chronically abusive husband. ?More than that, she’s fighting for her life, as she may justifiably fear he’ll eventually kill her.
why forced to kill amongst other, more practical solutions?
could reveal catalyst in a great catharsis, boiling disgust in the mind of an audience-making him root the protagonist-just enough to kill…
…still risky
cool logline though,
good luck with your short story!