2007
sergeantwriterPenpusher
After a vampire-supremacist wages a war to enslave humanity, his lieutenant, determined to stop him, partners with a celebrated vampire baroness to sabotage his faction through assassination, terrorism, and subterfuge.
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Who is the protagonist, the lieutenant or the baroness??
If you intend to have dual protagonist in the logline (and script), there should be good dramatic reason and I don’t see it in this case. ?Why? ?Because such a potent antagonist needs to be counterbalanced with equally potent protagonist.
So it seems to me that either the lieutenant or the baroness should be the protagonist, the other an ally. ?(And allies don’t usually get mentioned in a logline.)
fwiw
I’m glad that the mere act of writing out your thoughts on the matter helped, I often find that helps me as well – I have several email drafts that never left the outbox…
Reading through your explanation I find no valid justification?for a dual protagonist outside the fact that you’ve already written it. That said, as the old idiom goes; writing is re writing, and I strongly suggest you consider re writing it. The logline?seems unnecessarily complicated and your description of the?characters indicates, to some extent, a blur of archetypes.
Perhaps consider the time poor executives who will have to read (if you’re lucky) your logline then (if you’re even more lucky) your?script, will they have the patients to sit through multiple pages of script in order to understand the dual protagonist plot and its necessities?
Here is an attempt at simplifying the logline:
V1 – After a vampire-supremicist declares war on humanity, his lieutenant must enlist the help of a baroness to build a resistance in order to defeat the vampire and save the world.
The baroness is an ally and the goal is to save the world.
V2 – After a vampire-supremicist declares war on humanity, a baroness must convince?his lieutenant to defect and?help build a resistance in order to defeat the vampire and save the world.
The lieutenant is the ally and the goal is to save the world.
On a side note, if the bad guy is a vampire then humans are his food. Why then would he seek to destroy his food source? Should it not be to enslave and breed humans?
Sergeantwriter:
That you have the 2 allies struggling for the same goal ?(vanquish the vampire) for different motivations is great; it creates polarization in their relationship,?conflict, tension. ?And in drama that’s a good thing. ? However, I would appreciate a clarification on this point:
>>thematically (or at least with the theme that emerged), it was relevant, I think. they represent two sides of revolution,
Which is? ?What’s your theme? ?What’s the dialectical argument in their alliance?
>>she is ultimately the one that succeeds.
So they can’t both win the argument, right? ? In the post-war world, they would become foes again? ?Just as in World War II, ?the US and Great Britain formed an alliance with their ?ideological foe, the USSR, to defeat the common enemy, ?the Axis, only to become foes again after that mission was accomplished.
So you’re writing for a denouement ?that is win-win (they win the war and she wins the thematic argument) as opposed to win-lose (they win the war but she loses the thematic argument).
As currently written, I am confused by the logline.
When the vampire declares war….?”his lieutenant” enlists the baroness to sabotage “their faction”…
“His lieutenant”? ?The vampire’s lieutenant?? ?(If so, why is he enlisting the baroness?)
And whose faction is “their faction”? The vampire’s? ?The baroness’s? ?The lieutenant’s?
Who is the prime mover, the 1st responder to the vampire’s attack?
The “A” story here is the ?vampires vs. humans, (led by the baroness), right?
The “B” story is the guy vs. the gal — whatever they’re arguing about, right?
Whatever, loglines are about the “A” story.?
Not the “B” story.
Not the “A” and “B” story.
Just the “A” story.
And only the “A” story.
fwiw
The baroness is a vampire, too?? ?I thought she was a normal human (blood type “O”) ?That’s a big reveal, need-to-know information in the logline. ?It casts the story in a whole new light.
So it’s vampire vs. vampire and humans are just the spoils of war? ?
Clearer.
But it’s not clear that any of them are fighting for the benefit of humanity. ?Who after all are the viewing audience.
It wouldn’t matter if the film were like “Interview with a Vampire” ?where people are just occasional sources of food and a supply pool for new recruits. ? But in your story, the fate of the entire human race is at stake. And none of the 3 characters seem to be on their side, which is to say our side. ? They just seem to be fighting among themselves for power and whatever else vampires are in the habit of fighting for.
?
Consequently, there doesn’t seem to be any character for an audience of homo sapiens to identify with or root for.
Why would I — or any other homo sapiens — want to care about who wins or loses, about the fate of anyone of these vampires? What’s in it for non-bloodsucking people?
fwiw
I, like DPG, assumed the Baroness was human as well.
There is a fundamental flaw in the concept – when the stakes are an entire race being enslaved there is very little empathy available for the mere power play of a handful of enslavers.
Why not have a good guy or gal fighting for the freedom of humanity?