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Adamu95Logliner
Posted: February 20, 20202020-02-20T13:02:07+10:00 2020-02-20T13:02:07+10:00In: Thriller

The unexpected arrival of young man claiming to be an estranged relative raises a family’s suspicions when a string of crimes rattles their community.

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    3 Reviews

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    1. Trix Samurai
      2020-02-20T19:19:43+10:00Added an answer on February 20, 2020 at 7:19 pm

      Hi Adamu95, I think your logline has promise, but it leaves me a little cold… It doesn’t really grab me. ?My initial thoughts are:

      • Do you need “the unexpected arrival”? ?If he’s claiming to be an estranged relative, this is implied.
      • “a string of crimes” could be amped up… murders? rapes? otherwise it could be pickpocketing.
      • “young man” is too vague… is he charismatic, caring? Something that would throw them off the scent of suspicion.
      • “raises a family’s suspicions”… not sure how, but maybe make this a little more concrete?

      What’s your inciting incident? ?His arrival or the first crime? ?Maybe if you post a little of the overall plot, it will allow reviewers to give more focussed suggestions.

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    2. Mike Pedley Singularity
      2020-02-20T19:34:15+10:00Added an answer on February 20, 2020 at 7:34 pm

      Two films spring to mind. First – The Imposter. A documentary and an unbelievably good film. It’s a perfect example of how true life is stranger than fiction. The second is The Guest – dead brother’s army buddy comes to pay his respects to the family… ends up sticking around and things get interesting.

      I agree with Trix, it doesn’t really grab me either. I think it’s because it’s been done. In this day and age, it doesn’t take a lot to get proof of whether he’s an estranged relative. Since you phrased it “claiming to be an estranged relative” – it suggests to me that he’s not. As Trix said, what sort of crimes are being committed?

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    3. dpg Singularity
      2020-02-21T07:08:47+10:00Added an answer on February 21, 2020 at 7:08 am

      As the others said.

      And it’s unclear who the protagonist is, the point of view character.? And what is the objective goal?

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