Penpusher
Posted: 2017-08-30T15:21:07+10:00 In:

Two females of an ancient African tribe who morph into elephants save the life of a young girl but the village witch doctor sees them as abominations and issues their deaths.

Two females of an ancient African tribe who morph into elephants save the life of a young girl but the village witch doctor sees them as abominations and issues their deaths.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      “…Two females…” – how very broad, nonspecific and vague a description…? Mothers? Daughters? Wives? Basket weavers?? Beyond their gender, even in a primitive society,? there are still some details about the character you could use to describe them with.

      Why do they morph? This sounds like the inciting incident, but you also mention a young girl in peril. Could it be that what ever happened to the girl is the inciting incident? If so best describe it as such.

      I can’t see how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together here, them morphing into elephants doesn’t seem connected to the young girl being in danger and the witch doctor is described late in the game. How is he or she related to the girl and the two women? Did the witch doctor cause the morph or put the girl in danger?

      Also, why two women? Best you focus your story on one protagonist, a plot about one character is hard enough to write much less about two.

      Lastly, why elephants? How does being a large mammal give them an advantage over possessing a high capacity for reason and having opposing thumbs?

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    2. Uberwriter

      As Nir so thoughtfully laid out. Those are the first things that jump front and center after reading the log.

      I would begin this…

      After two shape shifters save the life of a young villager, they expose themselves to a witch doctor hellbent on destroying them.

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    3. Singularity

      I like Foxtrot25 ‘s polish, but I ?am puzzled by the premise as a whole.

      The girls do something good — and witch doctor wants to kill them. ?Why?

      I realize this is a fantasy. ?And fantasy has dramatic license to bend the rules. ?But once a rule has been bent, it must be consistently bent. Now then, being able to shape shifter is pretty powerful mojo. ?So what credible threat does the witch doctor pose that they can’t fend off? ?If they can bend the rule, ?shape shift to save a village girl’s life, why can’t they likewise bend the rule and shape shift to save their own??

      fwiw

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