When a commando is waken from a coma, he learns that he’s mostly machine and his kids have been kidnapped by a powerful warlord.
jazzPenpusher
When a commando is waken from a coma, he learns that he’s mostly machine and his kids have been kidnapped by a powerful warlord.
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You have described the inciting incident only — we need to know what the commando has to do in regards to this inciting incident… It reads as a very short unsatisfying film atm… Commando wakes from coma… “What?! I’m half android!!? Awesome..? Hang on, where are my kids??” The End.
“An ex-commando, transformed into half a machine in a military experiment gone wrong, has 48 hours to track down an allusive General who has kidnapped his two young kids.”
..not the best, but just an example.
Best of luck.
“…Criticism helps creative people get better at their craft. Even non-creative people can get better with criticism. But especially storytellers and other creatives. Are you just going to ignore any audience/critic reviews? Constructive criticism is a necessary part to growth?.”
Agreed with Dkpough1, Tony’s advise is sound and helpful.
You describe the inciting incident of the film – kids being kidnapped, but it should come at the beginning of a logline. It’s the Mc’s reaction to this event that makes the story interesting. In other words, the Mc’s?goal and action to achieving the goal need to be made clear in the logline, and both are missing in the current draft.
The Longline only describes events, you do not have any action which means there is nothing for a second act of a movie. Without any clear action you do not have a movie. It doesn’t matter what the concept is if you do not explain what exactly the character does, even if he has become half machine if he doesn’t do anything it doesn’t matter.
Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with all of the above … if this is done in a pastiche sort of way … I’m in. I want my ticket. It sounds fun.