When a Major disappears after an skirmishes with enemy forces, a search and rescue is undertaken as a Rookie slowly uncovers the existence of a greater, more primal threat that evolves into a series of horrific encounters beyond their capabilities.
Caleb TumanakoLogliner
When a Major disappears after an skirmishes with enemy forces, a search and rescue is undertaken as a Rookie slowly uncovers the existence of a greater, more primal threat that evolves into a series of horrific encounters beyond their capabilities.
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Definitely heading in the right direction!!
Give the Captain a characteristic and maybe take it away from the Major. I don’t think it matters that the Major is distinguished… at least not as much as it matters that the Captain is *insert characteristic here*. I don’t think it matters what the mission is either – not in the logline at least.?
This is a horror right? If the adversary (still a Nephilim I imagine) is the source of the horror, killing, eating, etc as per previous versions, make the last bit sound scarier. The reader needs to understand where the fear is coming from. He should be stalking them and picking them off in the dark one by one. Obviously that’s too wordy but you know what I mean. I’d play up the ancient bit too… that’s the bit that’ll save it from seeming like a Predator film.
I’d consider just “Goliath” as the title. Fubar means Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. So The Goliath Fubar doesn’t read well to me – the Goliath fucked up beyond all recognition. Sounds like the goliath made a big mistake… maybe that’s your intention? Goliath on it’s own though… sounds military, ancient, biblical, terrifying. That’s totally your call though… this is just my opinion.
The logline sets up a situation, but now it needs to follow through with? the missing ingredient for a plot:? what happens after the discovery?? What becomes the objective goal?? What is the action that arises from the encounter?
Let’s consider the formula’s 3 elements.
I think the confusion starts from choosing the Major’s disappearance as the story’s Event (call to adventure). Yes, the story start like this, but the actual Big Event is the creature’s discovery and the fact that it is killing them off one by one.
Thus, I would start the logline with “When they uncover [an ancient killing giant] during a rescue mission…” or something similar.
Then, the character: “… a [something something officer]…”
Then the action: “… must [survive from its teeth].”
OK, my choice of words sucks bigtime, but I hope it helps you see the 3 elements you need to nail.
>>>as an ancient world adversary is uncovered
That’s the story hook and the inciting incident that kicks off the plot so it needs to be described more clearly.? ?What is so unique about the adversary that makes it of dramatic interest, that makes it worthy of being a “horrible” being in a horror flick?