Penpusher
Posted: 2021-11-20T05:08:12+10:00 In:

When a future millionaire obsessed with time travel sets in motion his evil plan to achieve it, a high school boy with superpowers tries to stop the future catastrophe.

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    6 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      hi i’m the author i’m new to this please help hahahaha

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    2. Penpusher

      Maybe instead of using “future” twice, you could use “imminent” the second time? Or slim it down even further:

      When an obsessive time traveler has everything in place to get his future millions, a superpowered high-schooler is the only thing left standing in his way.

      ^^My example sounds more like a premise than a logline but something to think about.

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    3. Penpusher

      I’m also not sure who the protagonist is. The high schooler sounds like the antagonist.

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    4. Samurai

      Welcome!

      Workshopping a bit; Google these concepts if unfamiliar.
      What is your theme? What message are you “speedymax” trying to convey with this feature/short?
      What world needs this message? [worldbuilding]
      What is your baddie’s goal?
      A megalomaniac [evil] billionaire would bring your premise into the plausible realm concerning the resources to achieve time travel.
      As Yoda “Star Wars” stated, “Do or do not. There is no try.” Your Hero – must.
      Concerning your superhero, who is he? Is there an origin story to his powers? E.g., Super-Soldier serum = Captain America.

      Hope you find this constructive, keep going!

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    5. Best Answer

      The logline is too general and thus implies a generic movie. We’ve seen this movie a hundred times before in a dozen different ways. Rich bad guy and a plucky resourceful teenager/secret agent/mother/robot/dog in conflict to save the world. What is different about this script?

      Why does the rich millionaire want to travel back in time? (Goal)
      What is the plan evil?
      What are the consequences to the world if his plan is successful? (Stakes)
      How is the high school boy related to the rich millionaire?

      Not that this is your story, but…

      A rich millionaire, in an effort to destroy his number one business rival, travels back in time only to be thwarted by the now high-schooler’s best friend who just happens to have superpowers.

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      • Penpusher

        Thanks man, I did my logline again, and I tweaked a few things in my history,
        sorry
        Sorry I speak Spanish so I will put it as I get it from the translator, anyway I will also put it in Spanish in case there is a grammar error

        A millionaire, in an effort to destroy his commercial rival number one, will try to travel in time, and if he is successful he will bring terrible consequences to the world, but a boy with superpowers will try to avoid catastrophe.

        Un millonario, en un esfuerzo por destruir a su rival comercial número uno, intentará viajar en el tiempo, y si tiene éxito traerá terribles consecuencias al mundo, pero un chico con superpoderes intentará evitar la catástrofe.,
        .
        .
        .
        The boy is his daughter’s boyfriend, he is the connection with the villain, but I did not find a way to add him to the logline.

        I think that as you raised the conflict to me, the story feels a little more original and less forced, thank you friend, if you see an incongruity in the logline, you can leave it below for me again THANKS

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