When a reclusive, secretly psychic troubleshooter is threatened to do a job, or loose it, she and her ghostly toy T.Rex sidekick head to Berlin. When she “sees” the rail road company’s problem involves thiefs and Nazi’s, fixing this problem becomes a mission. I am sooo not done with this logline yet ( it is too long) but would love to hear your opinion on it. Greetings Mack I have put it in the superhero section because she has secret “powers”and fights evil (Nazi’s) with it.
When a reclusive, secretly psychic troubleshooter is threatened to do a job, or loose it, she and her ghostly toy T.Rex sidekick head to Berlin. When she “sees” the rail road company’s problem involves thiefs and Nazi’s, fixing this problem becomes a mission. I am sooo not done with this logline yet ( it is too long) but would love to hear your opinion on it. Greetings Mack I have put it in the superhero section because she has secret “powers”and fights evil (Nazi’s) with it.
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I try to read a concept’s working, without the adjectives
it reads as:
“a guy must do his job or loose it”
neither the stakes are made personal
nor his dramatic need (inner goal) visible
apart from which you need to specify the problem of the rail road company so that the nature of his “what needs be done” becomes conceivable
(personally, i would like to see a psychic troubleshooter solving a railroad problem, just not with a ghostly toy T.Rex as a sidekick to fight thiefs and nazis_google blake snyder’s “double mumbo jumbo”)
PS. the purpose of character adjectives must be to solve for plot dynamic loopholes
for instance, I read something of this sorts, here LoglinesRUS.it..
“a devout catholic widower must learn to live with the son of his wife’s rapist”
here, adjective “devout catholic” answers an otherwise loophole “why didn’t he go for an abortion?”
3-4 lines on this site seems to be ideal as far as a length guideline. When I first glance at a logline such as above, It immediately raises flags. The first problem being, do I want to navigate through a paragraph, or just skip to the next one? Do I want to read about the authors issues explained in the logline? I think not. Explain where you are in relation to developing the logline lower down in the comment sections, this way we can see exactly where you are at and comment appropriately.
Threatened to do a job needs to be changed to something more forceful. T-rex, Berlin and a railroad confuse me. I’d start with breaking this down to its essence and working from there.
Good luck.
Agreed with both the above comments.
I’ll add that clarity should be your priority, something that is sorely missing here…
I’ve read the logline part of the post several times and still can’t understand what the story is. The following is very confusing “…the railroad company?s problem involves thiefs and Nazi?s, fixing this problem becomes a mission…” I have no idea what this means in terms of plot.
Identify one event that motivates the main character to take action then describe one visual goal she must achieve as a result.
Check out the ‘Formula’ tab ob the top bar to learn more about logline basics.
Thank you so much for all your comments. They are so helpful! Here is a new try :
An? psychic, distrustful troubleshooting accountant, working from her “sanctuary” home in NY, is forced to meet a client and do a job in Berlin or loose her job and home. “Seeing”people’s secrets, dead or alive, is not helping.
I type an in stead of a sorry…:)
>>>working from her ?sanctuary? home in NY
Sanctuary in NYC?? How so? Why?
>>>do a job
What’s the job?? What becomes her specific objective goal?
Also based on the earlier version, I assume this takes place in the 30’s before World War 2.? There is no hint of that setting in the revised version — and the historical setting is an essential plot element (No Nazis, no story.)
>>>?Seeing?people?s secrets, dead or alive, is not helping.
This seems to be the story hook — that she has psychic powers.? Placing it at the end is burying the lead, the story factor that differentiates it from similar stories.? And you place story in the Superhero genre.? All the most reason the logline needs to lead with what makes her a superhero.
And I don’t see how her psychic powers is a dramatic problem. Being privy to information others aren’t aware of would seem to be an advantage.
fwiw
As I’m learning as well, try to keep your plot down to two lines: The incident and response. Just like with the formula. It has way too many possibilities which makes people get lost in translation or just confused.
After reading the second one, I think it’s still too long, but you are definitely making incredible progress. Keep at it.
Thank you for your response! I learn more here, after e few responses, then I did in a year of going through the net for info. I wrote distrustful and working from her “sanctuary”home because I wanted to show how bad it would be for her to loose her job and home..her sanctuary. The story is based in present.? (she “sees”things from now and the past) ?I wrote NY and Berlin to show how far she would be out of her comfort zone. I have left the Nazi’s out of the logline because I decided to make her journey the main focus.? I see what you mean about the advantage of being a psychic. I will work on adding the downside/ difficulty to it. Thanks again!
>>>> to show how bad it would be for her to loose her job and home..her sanctuary.
Those are complications.? What is needed is a compelling motivation (in the form of an inciting incident) that compels her to move outside her comfort zone. I suggest leveraging her psychic abilities (which after all is the story hook) in the logline;? her psychic abilities enable her to see that someone’s life may be at stake.? Some innocent person will die unless she acts, unless she moves outside her comfort zone.
fwiw
The way it is now: She didn’t have the right papers for the job she does, She asked to proof herself by doing a job for free on trail basis , if she did it well she would get a job. She nailed it and got hired.? ?Now the bos wants her to go meet a major client in berlin and help find ou why his his companies numbers stay the same each year. She gets threatened by her boss that if she does not go , she will loose her job (and the protagonist knows that would also mean loosing her home) why is that not enough? I would get of the couch?
What I could do:? She?could have false papers/ maybe she lied/ the bos knows and threatens to go to the police?
Just brainstorming….
Why would the boss send a “newbie” to solve a big problem with a major client?? Wouldn’t he send his “ace” accountant, his best and proven trouble shooter?
She can be — should be — an unconventional accountant.? But again shouldn’t her psychic abilities be an asset?? Her canny powers enable her to think outside the box, find and solve accounting problems in unconventional ways.? Her boss may not understand how she solves accounting mysteries, and he may be exasperated by her eccentric personality — but he can’t argue with her results.
Consider how Arthur Conan Doyle crafted Sherlock Holmes.? He’s a weirdo, a drug addict (opium), is impossible to live with — but his acute powers of observation, his impeccable deductions make him the go-to guy for solving intractable mysteries.? The result is an immortal literary character.
In fact that’s one way to setup your character for the plot to follow.? Introduce her solving an intractable problem that has stumped everyone else? in an unconventional way.? Establish the character, her role and her distinguishing characteristic, her strength.
And then she gets “The Call”, the case in Berlin.
Now she can refuse “The Call” initially because she’s a “home body” . That’s a character eccentricity that makes her more colorful. But I don’t see it as a character flaw.? A character flaw is a personal problem that threatens to defeat the protagonist, prevent her from achieving her objective goal, solving the dramatic problem.? Not just in the 1st Act (by not wanting to leave her comfort zone), but also in the 2nd and 3rd Acts.? But she’s far outside her comfort zone in Act 2 & 3– so how does that constitute an ongoing threat to reaching her objective goal?
Also, wouldn’t her psychic powers enable her to apprehend something about the accounting problem that hooks her interest; her intuition tells her she’s the only one who can solve the problem? Ultimately, a superhero has to do what a superhero has to do:? rise to the challenge in spite of any personal inconvenience.
My point is that ultimately the primary motivation for your character engaging in the dramatic problem that sets the plot in motion needs to be positive and proactive (I want to do this, I gotta do this for a greater good) not negative and reactive (If I refuse, I’ll get fired).? Negative and reactive is weak.
You are getting even further away from the essence of whatever your story may be.
Hired to help a nefarious outfit deal with a small problem, a psychic troubleshooter soon finds herself in trouble with the Nazi party as she tries to save…
Just a beginning. you need to bring this close or to the end of the of the 2nd act now.
How about :
.
A hermit, psychic, troubleshooting accountant from New York, guilty of credential fraude, is blackmailed to troubleshoot in Berlin or go to jail. Solving? the 70 year old Nazi puzzle , she “sees” is part of it, brings the threat of jail even closer.
>>> is blackmailed to troubleshoot in Berlin or go to jail
I don’t understand the logic here this for all the reasons previously stated.? ??
>>>Solving the 70 year old Nazi puzzle ,
Vague.? Specifically, what is the puzzle?? And what are the stakes in solving it?? Why does it matter 70 years after the collapse of the 3rd Reich?? Who is her antagonist?
I think you have an interesting character (an accountant who is psychic) — a character who still seems to be in search of a plot worthy of her defining characteristics.
fwiw
Agreed with the above notes.
The plot in the logline and subsequent revisions seems to lack focus. Normally this would be resolved with an inciting incident and a compelling goal, but the lack of these make the story come across as fragmented between her mental/emotional problems, job, and a 70 year old Nazi puzzle.
Which of these will be the ‘A’ plot – the main storyline in the film?
Thank you for your answer Nor Shelter!
After dpg’s advice ,I put the jail threat in to boost? the inciting incident, give it more weight.
So the blackmail/threat of jail is the inciting incident.
The staying out of jail is the goal.? Is that not compelling enough?
The hermit going to Berlin + having to solve the Nazi puzzle are her? hurdles to take to get there.
In the script:
She is secretly spychic. (put in a mental intitution by her devout parents as a child , who believed she was under the devils spell. So not trusting of people ) Should she have to choose to come out of the closet to reach her goal? In the script she (as a secretly psychic and hermit) has to face people, the world and do this job in Berlin to keep her job and home (her sanctuary) (and possibly stay out of jail)
Nir