Losing hope she?ll be rescued, a brutally assaulted young woman despairs over ?what ifs? and seeks peace for all that will never be in the moments before her death.
Deanna MurrayLogliner
Losing hope she?ll be rescued, a brutally assaulted young woman despairs over ?what ifs? and seeks peace for all that will never be in the moments before her death.
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The logline sets up a situation for a possible plot, but doesn’t actually have a plot. ?A plot is about what choices a ?character makes looking forward in time after and as a result of the inciting incident, not about itemizing regrets looking backwards.
There are similarities to the movie Fruitvale Station in your logline, and is a must see as it to begins with the death of the protagonist. My suggestion is to focus on a particular regret or misdeed in her life that is engaging; this raises the emotions of the audience and poignancy of the story because we know how it will end.
Agreed with the above comments. This logline lacks a clear inciting incident and a clear goal. I wrote on your last post a few words, about loglines in general, that apply to this as well.
In addition to the above comments, the logline lacks detail with regards to what actually happens in the story. For example, you wrote; “…cries out for salvation…” but what does that actually mean? Will she shout? Will she prey? What will she do for 110 minutes of the film?
Secondly, you stated that she is in her final moments, is she dying?? If so, when comparing her life to a relationship her life and death situation has far greater stakes than her feeling for someone. As stakes go, the relationship pales in comparison to the greater situation at hand (whatever it may be…), in the logline anyhow the stakes seem inaproprietly skewed.
So you want to do a more of a mood piece? ?Okay, I’m guessing it will includes flashbacks to inform the audience ?of the particular source of her regret, what relationship she wants to make whole. ?If that is the case, I suggest the short would still benefit from some cumulative structure (aka: plot) to those flashbacks. ?Obviously, the structure would not be as fully articulated as for a feature film or a series. ?But still there could be an inciting incident that triggers the problem?which raises an objective goal ?– what she would like to attain, if she ?were to live.
The utility of a plot is that if facilitates holding an audience’s attention and conveying the desired emotional cargo, even in a short. ?Given how short attention spans are these days, imho, I think plotting is more important than ever, no matter how brief material. ?
I saw a political ad this weekend that I thought was very effective because, brief as it was, 30 seconds, it had a simple plot. ? It told a story. ?As most ads do, btw. I was opposed to the issue being promoted but the plot of the story grabbed and held my attention anyway. ?Ad agencies figured out long ago how useful simple plotting is to grab attention, sell stuff. ?What works for 30 second adds works for 30 minute (or less) films.
The human mind has evolved into a pattern seeking process; it needs to find in or fabricate meaningful patterns out of ?seemingly random events. ?And that is what a plot provides. ?
fwiw
Deanna:
In ?my personal, very subjective, and very conceited (what’s that you say, you noticed?) opinion, you’re short film would make a great 1st Act to set up a more compelling story. ?She has?all these regrets, acknowledges all her mistakes, make all these if-only resolutions/prayers/promises, makes her peace with dying. passes out… end of Act 1.
Act 2: ? She comes to in an intensive care ward. ?She’s been rescued just in time. ?She recovers… slowly, but she recovers. ?Now comes the hard part: ?fulfilling her promises to herself, her vows to God.
In my personal, very subjective, and very conceited opinion, dying is the easy ending. ? All your character has to do ?– can do– is… absolutely nothing. ?Living, on the other hand, ?is hard. ?Hard work for the character. ?And, yes, hard work for you as the writer. ?But also, imho, the effort could lead to a more compelling story about your character and a more promising future for yourself.
Whatever. ?It’s your vision, your story. ?Best wishes with your writing.
fwiw