Logliner
Posted: 2018-02-01T23:44:42+10:00 In:

When an idealistic boy tired of bullying establishes a secret club of victims to impart justice, some members of the group begin to turn into very dangerous bullies.

When an idealistic boy tired of bullying establishes a secret club of victims to impart justice, some members of the group begin to turn into very dangerous bullies.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      the premise is pretty cool
      kindly include if your main character’s part of those getting bullied
      …and a hint of his age

      Also it would be better if the stakes were made more obvious and personal with establishing the conflict..

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    2. Singularity

      Good premise.? But the logline contains a spoiler, the Big Ironic Reversal (the bullied turn into bullies) that happens in the 2nd 1/2 of the story.? It’s a good reversal for the script proper but not an event to include in a logline.

      A logline is about a protagonist’s intentional?choice of an objective goal to solve a problem — not about the unintended?problems that follow as a consequence.

      fwiw

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    3. Logliner

      Thank you very much for the feedback!

      variable, i always thought about the protagonist to be part of bullied ones, but its not clear in the logline. Now it also makes me think about that the protagonist could be some kind of vocational justice boy. Could be also a interesting perspective. I must include hint of his age. I need to find a conflict that make clear personal stakes.

      dpg you are totally right!? I think i wrote it because i thougt it was a interesting reversal, but its just that reversal that happens in the middle of the story.

      Now i read the logline and i see, i dont have the inciting incident that push the protagonist to found the club, so i dont have a clear special conflict, just a routine conflict. I must build better the conflict and that generates a clear intentional goal!i have to make it more personal!

      Thank you! Im going to try to update it!

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    4. Singularity

      Guillerson:

      >>>variable, i always thought about the protagonist to be part of bullied ones

      I think the story is better served if you go with your first instinct, that he thinks he’s better than the bullies, has no desire of becoming one of them.? This makes the ironic reversal where he becomes the kind of person he originally abhorred more dramatically meaningful.

      Also I think it might be useful that his secondary motivation is to get The Girl — the “B” story.? In fact, that could be the source of the inciting incident.? He’s been bullied umpteen times, and takes it like the martyr-loser he is at the start of the story.? But when the bullies utterly humiliate him in front of the girl he has a crush on — that triggers him to form the club to not only get revenge, but get The Girl.

      Best wishes with this story.

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