When an Iwi investor whanagungatanga is threatened, he must relinquish his fears at a maximum personal cost and risk to encounter a spiritual revelation that awakens his true identity in God.
PazzazzLogliner
When an Iwi investor whanagungatanga is threatened, he must relinquish his fears at a maximum personal cost and risk to encounter a spiritual revelation that awakens his true identity in God.
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Not sure what the story is and especially that massive word starting with “W”.
Try describing it physically with a goal that needs achieving and an obstacle.
Hi Craig.
Thank you for your response.
Whanagungatanga means in our Maori culture, a close connection between people; kinship. This is a story about?internal conflict of Ti kanga Maori and Christianity and the discover of a true identity in God . I am a faith based creative writer and producer. I am struggling so I appreciate your review.? I have rewritten the logline.
When a close connection between his Maori?culture and Christianity?is threatened, He?must relinquish his pride and self motivation at a maximum personal cost?and risk to?encounter?a spiritual revelation that awakens his?true identity with God.
The last thing a logline should be to a general audience is confusing.
What is at stake to him, identifying with God? Sounds too general of a topic. Doesn’t everyone struggle to maintain this throughout life? The antagonistic force should come from another person’s faith, no?
I hear of callings for faith-based work, so good luck ironing this out.
Recommend starting with: A man tests his faith when…
Agreed with Craig and Foxtrot25.
Also, loglines need to describe events that have an effect on the MC and the actions they take, the stakes should be clearly implied instead of literally described. In other words, sentences such as “…When a close connection between his Maori?culture and Christianity?is threatened…” should be replaced with a description of the event that threatened the close connection – otherwise, this becomes a vague statement that sheds very little light on the specifics of the story.
Similarly, “…relinquish his pride and self-motivation at a maximum personal cost…” is too generic to evoke an image in the mind of the reader – it’s best to describe the specific threat so we understand the personal cost.
For example,? I could say ‘A priest struggles with his belief at a great personal cost’, but this lacks detail. Therefore, in a logline I would write something like ‘After a priest finds himself lusting for his neighbour’s husband…’ The personal cost is clear – his belief system is brought into questioned by his own sexual identity, will he uphold the values of the church or be true to himself?
Who is the target audience for watching the movie?? And who is the target market for making the movie?
The odds of getting any script made into a film are formidable? enough– 1000’s to 1.? Don’t make them even longer by using terms that most people won’t understand. “Iwi investor”, “Ti kanga Maori” , “whanagungatanga” — I doubt that 1 in a 1000 people who have any idea what those terms mean.? And if they’re movie makers — agents, directors, producers, they aren’t going to bother to google to find out.? They’ll just move on to the next logline.? Which means the odds against the script can be multiplied by an additional factor of a 1000, rendering the script practically DOA.
The logline should be written in terms that are understandable to the broadest range of people in the business of making movies.? Just saying.
>>>?A young Maori corporate choice to submit his cultural belief to his oppressors Christianity
I don’t understand what this means.? Please clarify.? What is a “Maori corporate”?? Who does “oppressors Christianity” refer to?
Hi all
I think I have gone in and noticed a bad habit of what I have not been doing. That is being specific with my descriptions. I have to admit I was challenged and struggling. So I hope I am getting closer to a logline that carry’s the DNA of my story. Here is the new revised version.
Joshua ignorance?challenges his faith when he submits his pride to God, at a personal cost and risk, he must experience this spiritual journey to awaken his identity in God.
It’s great that you’re trying to improve and are making changes to the logline, that’s exactly what we should all be doing.
However admirable your efforts may be, the latest version still falls short of fulfilling the basic requirements of a logline. Seeing as almost all of the previous notes still apply in the latest version, I strongly suggest that you study this thread in detail and research the terminology we used.
For example, the stakes you describe (“…at a personal cost and risk…”) are vague as they can mean any number of things. These kinds of descriptions do very little in a logline, it’s the specific details that make up these costs and risks that will have an effect and need to be described. Will he be exiled from the community? Kicked out of the church? Imprisoned for his beliefs? What will actually happen?
Another example is “…must experience this spiritual journey…”. What does this mean IN PRACTICAL TERMS? Why MUST he experience it? What does “…this…” refer to? What is a spiritual journey? Will he actually trace the steps of a religious figure that came before him? Or is this a metaphor for an inner journey of developing his faith?
These questions and many more are all preventing the reader from understanding what your story is. You’re essentially hiding the ball by using vague descriptions and a lack of detail.
Hi.
I really believe I am getting closer to conquering this logline. I am so appreciative of this review thread. This is a excellent challenge for me to breakthrough and have a logline that I need for the reader to understand.? Otherwise the other alternative would be to give up…?? Nah! I will keep going.!!? Lol
“After Joshua breakdown he returns to his tribe, where his faith is tested. He must?explore a spiritual life that activates his identity in and through his culture and genealogy.”
I admire and identify with your resolve. However, no amount of tenacity or good intentions can change the truth, and I must refer you to the previous comments given to you on this thread as they almost all still apply. I encourage you to also read the ‘Formula’ tab and study other posts on this site.
All the best.
Hi
I am going to conquer this because I am so close to achieving a log line that has the formula.? Thanks everyone for you reviews. I have posted up these final two log lines and one of them is very good. Thanks for your time.
?After Joshua suffers a mental breakdown, he returns to his tribe, where his faith is tested. He must give up his ignorance to activate his genealogy that was lost, when his ancestors became Christians.?
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?After Joshua suffers a breakdown he returns to his tribe, where his faith is tested. He must explore a spiritual life that activates his identity in and through his culture and genealogy.?
Pazz,
Avoid mentioning your protagonist by name unless he/she is a historical figure. You need to briefly describe instead.
After a mental breakdown, a _____? abandons his fortune in order to return home to the land of his spiritual roots.
Thank you for your response. I will make that change.
I just want to say that I have learnt so much from all your reviews.? I am happy to submit this log line to the next part of my project of writing a screenplay for my feature film. This has been an excellent opportunity to do this. Thank you all again for your time and professional experience.??Bye for now!
After a mental breakdown a young Maori corporate?leaves the wealth and returns home to the land of his spiritual roots, to re-discover that he must never abandon his cultural identity. ?