Penpusher
Posted: 2016-01-20T06:03:45+10:00 In:

When an underachieving gravedigger’s cemetery is taken over by his ex-girlfriend’s Mafioso father, he must rise to the occasion to regain control or end up losing more than just his job.

When an underachieving gravedigger’s cemetery is taken over by his ex-girlfriend’s Mafioso father, he must rise to the occasion to regain control or end up losing more than just his job.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      A lot better. But rise to the Occassion is too ambiguous.

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    2. Uberwriter

      Plus to regain control, implies he once had control. Control of what? The cemetery?

      Needs to be more specific. Well done.

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    3. Singularity

      Just because he’s a gravedigger doesn’t mean he’s the owner, in control of the cemetery.? Most gravediggers are just employees.

      And in this version, the chain of ?cause-and-effect between the ex-girlfriend and the jeopardy to the you man’s life has been broken.? Why does being an ex-boyfriend of a girl who father is a mob man put the young man’s life in danger?

      The stakes are clear — his life is at stake — but “regain control” is vague as an objective goal?? What is his?objective goal — what must he specifically do ?to save his life?

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