When sent a package containing her boyfriend’s belongings, a conflicted lover must uncover the cause of his disappearance; but when she learns he willingly vanished to pursue space travel, she must embrace selflessness and accept his decision.
Jeremy PalazzoloPenpusher
When sent a package containing her boyfriend’s belongings, a conflicted lover must uncover the cause of his disappearance; but when she learns he willingly vanished to pursue space travel, she must embrace selflessness and accept his decision.
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I like it! But the ACTION in the second half can be stronger. Right now it only gives us her psychological growth, not a visible (filmable) action. Of course, short films are more flexible, and perhaps the climactic scene is about just that: her acceptance…
In any case, try the Logline Generator (link above), and you’ll see that the better version of this logline might be along the lines of:
When sent a package containing her boyfriend’s belongings, a conflicted lover must uncover the cause of his disappearance; but when she learns he willingly vanished to pursue space travel, she must embrace selflessness and accept his decision BEFORE [Final Action].
I still think that there could be a final action that SHOWS her transformation.
THANK YOU so much for the feedback. I will definitely take this into consideration.
Cheers 🙂
>>>she must embrace selflessness and accept his decision.
Reveals the denouement, something a logline should never do.
Further, the reveal entails a subjective need. But a logline is a statement of an initial and *intentionally* sought *objective* goal, what the protagonist wants to achieve or acquire. It is not about subjective needs, an eventual and unintentional “lesson learned”.
Although the resolution of a subjective need is an element in the character arc, again, loglines are about the plot line, not the character arc.