When several U.S. Army soldiers mysteriously die during training, a young soldier learns that his supervisor is responsible for the deaths and must learn how to prevent future deaths and deal with his supervisor?s retaliation before he becomes the next casualty.
csantan2Logliner
When several U.S. Army soldiers mysteriously die during training, a young soldier learns that his supervisor is responsible for the deaths and must learn how to prevent future deaths and deal with his supervisor?s retaliation before he becomes the next casualty.
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This needs a rewrite. Break it down and analyze the flow. Don’t mention that the young soldier learns who’s responsible and give it away. Pit him against multiple issues… he must battle to find out, not learn.
Now, why the hell is a military supervisor killing his own men? You need to fill that gaping hole somehow or not mention it at all.
“How to prevent future deaths?” Lose this part. He must defeat the antagonist. Period.
A supervisor is not a good description for an antagonist. It sounds petty and envious on the part of the protagonist.
Also, include some kind of ticking timebomb that this soldier must accomplish before the end of the story.
Revision 1
When several U.S. Army soldiers mysteriously die during training, a young soldier learns who is responsible and must fight to expose corruption before he becomes the next casualty.
Better, not sure why you feel the need to keep YOUNG instead of describing him as something more interesting, like “determined” or something.
After Army soldiers mysteriously die during training exercises, a new enlistee learns who is responsible and must fight to expose the corruption before he’s next.