Long time I don’t post here that’s why I’m glad to read and write loglines again and help as much as i can. I hope this logline explain itself, am i right?
Maybe it’s too long. How could I shorten it?
Greetings
Edit:
The story is about Ticks, a hybrid between a human and a feline, something very frowned upon in his kingdom since felines were assassins, also he is the only friend of the shy princess from a kingdom that is being sacked by a band of pirates whose king wants to marry the Queen.
Because of the no violence rule in the kingdom, the only way to stop him is to accuse him of his mother but if Ticks accuses him by himself then the mother would not believe him. So, he needs to find someone the mother will believe to, like a family member or something. That’s his main goal, travel through both kingdoms, land and ocean, helping people struggling because of the invasion to find this person.
The people of the princess’ kingdom call the empire “awfully violent islands” because fights are legal, also monsters and humans coexist.
Though everything is seen through Ticks perspective, the princess and more starts sharing time with ticks. The princess can be seen as a co-protagonist. Pirate king is the main antagonist and villain, since he likes violence, and Ticks don’t.
Something I could add, is that this happens during spring and the wedding is planned at summer. Considering that the world is very big, those would be very few months.
Once the Pirate King marries the queen, he will be king of all then he’ll kill all humans.
Note: I’m announcing the way the villain is defeated. Does that take away from the emotion of the story?
What other question can be made?
Not clear what the story is, who these characters are, or what they’re doing…not even a proper sentence. What is the goal here?
Come on, instead of stating the obvious. Help me how to improve.
If it’s obvious your post is unclear and improper, why did you post it?
One can’t offer advice without even comprehending the intention. Who are the protagonist and antagonist? What is the conflict, what are the stakes? These are what’s needed in a logline, along with proper grammar and spelling. Once presented, revisions and edits can be suggested.
Give me some time, I’m editing the post to give more information. By the way, you’re being rude. So calm down.
What are you talking about? Why are you giving orders? Who are you? Do you want logline feedback or not?
Sure, help is always appreciated
Then surely help will be offered once additional logline-relevant details or questions are posted.
Ready
Now pare down that detail into the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, and stakes, in one sentence, with an indication of tone and genre. Then try other verbs and adjectives, see what sounds good. Be clear, be simple, be concise. And always verify spelling and grammar.
A hybrid human-feline boy must help a shy princess save her peaceful kingdom from the Awfully Violent Islands…whose King wants to marry her mom and destroy all humankind!
Well, i need more practice…
I’m going to review your example in detail. Thank you.
PS: You didn’t use When and manage to subtly put the major event between the goal and the obstacle. Impressive
Also, excuse my bad temper. I’m working in it.