1. Posted: June 27, 2016In:

    A once successful landowner with picture perfect family, suddenly finds himself at the mercy of his arch-rival, forcing him to juggle single fatherhood with reclaiming his livelihood and dignity.

    BHerr Penpusher

    I think it would be a better logline if you could specify a few things: - Who is the arch-rival to the protagonist? ?Another landowner? Someone else? Without knowing this, it's hard to picture what he's up against, how high the stakes are exactly... - What happens that makes him at the mercy of theRead more

    I think it would be a better logline if you could specify a few things:

    – Who is the arch-rival to the protagonist? ?Another landowner? Someone else? Without knowing this, it’s hard to picture what he’s up against, how high the stakes are exactly…

    – What happens that makes him at the mercy of the arch-rival? Does he owe him money? Without knowing this I don’t know what has happened to even cause this problem, and what got the story going.

    – What does he have to do more specifically to reclaim his dignity and livelihood??What are we rooting for him to do in the story? If I know this, I am able to more clearly imagine how the movie will play out and what I will be watching this guy do.??Obviously you might have him do many things, but you might want to include?the main gist of his goal/action. From this we can also tell the genre — if it’s action oriented or more of a thriller, etc…

    – I think including the two descriptions of the main character – “a once successful landowner with a perfect family” and “single father” confuses me on what’s?the most defining aspect of his character that directly relates to his story goal. It might be better to decide which you would like us to focus on more.

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  2. Posted: June 24, 2016In:

    “When he discovers his father will be fired as coach if he doesn’t bring home a championship, a popular quarterback must rally his good looking and talented team to beat the scruffy, overachieving, underdogs that, every year seem to defeat them in the final game.” -Overdogs-

    BHerr Penpusher

    I really love this idea! ?I agree that using the?father's job as motivation pulls me out of the meat?of the story, and agree it would?be better to stay focused on the rivalry/schoolmates. The?motivation of the girlfriend being stolen, makes perfect sense to me that it would cause him to want to defeRead more

    I really love this idea! ?I agree that using the?father’s job as motivation pulls me out of the meat?of the story, and agree it would?be better to stay focused on the rivalry/schoolmates. The?motivation of the girlfriend being stolen, makes perfect sense to me that it would cause him to want to defeat the other team.

    Just had an idea:? If you want us to root for the QB to win the game and defeat the nerd in the end,?it might be a good idea to first have the nerd win?the girlfriend by doing something nerdy and “underdog-ish”, that maybe makes the QB look like a jerk, but?then at the end of the movie, the nerd is?exposed for using his underdog-ness to manipulate her (possibly by setting up a scenario where he looks especially nerdy or like an underdog) and the QB, having truly changed, has a chance to win her back. ?I think this would play better than having the nerd do something genuinely heroic or pretending to be cool, but maybe he’s not even as nerdy as he pretends to be.

    OR

    If you want the nerd to keep the GF, maybe the QB finds his own nerdy girl at the end and falls for her.

    Hope some of this can be helpful!

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