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Ruby Fox, an electrokinetic woman, has to must discover the truth of her twisted past to save her daughter, who the government claims does not exist.
I don't feel any urgency or pressing need from this logline. Is she saving her daughter from crappy foster parents or is the government doing something to her?? I agree with Richiev too ? what do her powers have to do with it? Does her daughter also have powers and that's why the government is coverRead more
I don’t feel any urgency or pressing need from this logline. Is she saving her daughter from crappy foster parents or is the government doing something to her?? I agree with Richiev too ? what do her powers have to do with it? Does her daughter also have powers and that’s why the government is covering up her existence? This sets up and raises questions, but doesn’t lay out the main choice the protagonist needs to make or the antagonist for them to fight, so it ultimately doesn’t grab my attention enough to read the script.
See lessA disgraced mecha pilot searches for a cure to his ailing health against the government’s wishes. As he reunites his former comrades and combats pursuing government agents, he discovers the rogue AI responsible for his condition, and must stop it before its plans to “purify” the world come to fruition.
I agree with Trix, there's just too much here. Mecha didn't trip me up, but it is a good note if this is going to people who aren't deep into that branch of scifi. Depending on what your actual story/main antagonists are you could essentially cut everything between the word cure and "he discovers aRead more
I agree with Trix, there’s just too much here. Mecha didn’t trip me up, but it is a good note if this is going to people who aren’t deep into that branch of scifi.
Depending on what your actual story/main antagonists are you could essentially cut everything between the word cure and “he discovers a rogue AI” ? something like this: “A dying and disgraced mecha pilot searches for a cure to his ailing health, but instead discovers a rogue AI is responsible for his condition, and he must stop it before its plans to ?purify? the world come to fruition.”
See lessAged out of foster care, Eric Grid needs to learn magic if he wants to become rich competing in a high stakes poker league controlled by the mafia.
It's an interesting leap to go from "want to earn money playing poker" to "must learn magic". I feel like this character must already have contact with the realm of magic to make that leap, so would it be better to say something like "needs to hone his magical abilities"? Second, "if he wants to getRead more
It’s an interesting leap to go from “want to earn money playing poker” to “must learn magic”. I feel like this character must already have contact with the realm of magic to make that leap, so would it be better to say something like “needs to hone his magical abilities”?
Second, “if he wants to get rich” seems too ambiguous. Clearly, he wants to “get rich” or “win a ton of money” in this poker league so maybe “in order to” instead of “if he wants to”
Also, I feel like the fact that the poker league is controlled by the mafia doesn’t impact the story without some sort of stakes given… something like, “before the mafia realizes what he’s done”
And then, of course, you have to balance all of that with being concise…
At any rate, color me deeply intrigued for this concept and how it becomes a noir film.
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