1. Posted: May 3, 2016In:

    After being pressured by the cops to turn informant a teen is sent on a run by her drug dealer boss, who is holding her younger sister, knowing this run will get her killed.

    CMathias Logliner

    It seems to me the protagonist is too passive here "being pressured" "is sent". How about the protatognist turned informant voluntarily because she doesn't want her younger sister being dragged deeper into this whole mess? Plus, I don't see the clear connection between being informant and the drug dRead more

    It seems to me the protagonist is too passive here “being pressured” “is sent”. How about the protatognist turned informant voluntarily because she doesn’t want her younger sister being dragged deeper into this whole mess? Plus, I don’t see the clear connection between being informant and the drug dealer boss sending her on a deadly run. If he knows she’s an informant, why not just shoot her? If he doesn’t know she’s an informant, is this information actually relevant for the logline?

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  2. Posted: April 27, 2016In:

    When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.

    CMathias Logliner

    Thanks all for your comments; really, I didn't expect such kind and insightful review! I'll give you some bits and pieces of my thought process here: I have written several screenplays already. A common thread in reader comments was "the concept is too weak". So, I'll turn it around this time. RatheRead more

    Thanks all for your comments; really, I didn’t expect such kind and insightful review! I’ll give you some bits and pieces of my thought process here:
    I have written several screenplays already. A common thread in reader comments was “the concept is too weak”. So, I’ll turn it around this time. Rather than building the story first and then building the logline, I’ll borrow a page from “Save the Cat!” and start with a rough? idea, then logline it and see if it excites people. And THEN flesh it out into a real story.

    Which should explain why my first and second logline differ so much (as t9ejane rightly pointed out). So, yes, the goal and theme are not yet completely formulated as I only have a vague idea right now. They are free to change while I nail down the perfect logline that excites people. I guess once the logline’s done I’ll know what the goal and theme will be. First logline didn’t excite people, so I need to change it fundamentally.

    As for the “drug-addicted” part, yes, that one I think is essential – androids don’t do drugs. It is one of the basic flaws of being human, so that should form a very essential part of a possible theme “which is better: machine or human?” Nir Shelter captured my thinking here quite well. Hower, I’ll try and avoid cliche (e.g. suicide of an addict, police doesn’t want to investigate, etc…) and turn it around: The police AI is dumbfounded about the whole case and teams up with the PI because he seems to be the only one who might be able to figure it out – logic is not enough. Of course, I’ll have to figure out some obstacles to throw in the PI’s way, but that’s details for now.

    I agree with dpg and Dkpough1 regarding “estranged” – that can go. It’ll probably be in the story but it is not essential for the logline.

    And yes, I assume asimov’s laws hold as dpg pointed out. But “override the AI’s programming…” already suggests too much of an explanation, I’d rather keep it mysterious, plus again I want to avoid cliche’.

    So, third iteration coming up shortly and again, a thousand thanks for your valuable input.

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