1. Posted: February 10, 2020In:

    When a Papuan native girl enters service in Sydney and meets a spoiled rich boy who becomes seriously ill, she must convince him that to survive he must adopt an ancient native tradition.

    dpg Singularity

    There seems to be a missing link in the logic in the story. That is,? what is her motivation?? Why is she trying to persuade the rich kid?? Is she in love with him?? Is that reciprocated?And I would like a clarification of the phrase "enters service in Sydney".? Specifically what does that mean?? IsRead more

    There seems to be a missing link in the logic in the story. That is,? what is her motivation?? Why is she trying to persuade the rich kid?? Is she in love with him?? Is that reciprocated?

    And I would like a clarification of the phrase “enters service in Sydney”.? Specifically what does that mean?? Is she working for the family of the rich kid in some domestic role?? Working for him directly?? Or…?

    ?

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  2. Posted: February 10, 2020In:

    Set against the Sierra Nevada foothills of the Gold Rush era where newly dominant white settlers rule, a young Mexican woman discovers she comes from a line of rebels led by folk-hero outlaw Joaquin Murieta. Nurtured by a cross-dressing Chinese madam and fueled by the unfair murder of her family, she recruits a wild bunch of female warriors to plot one of the most audacious rebellions the new state of California has ever seen.

    dpg Singularity

    Question 1:? Have the recruits likewise suffered the loss of family members??? IOW: what's their motivation?? What drives them to violence, to such extreme measures?? What is their personal stake??The various iterations of "Robin Hood" come to mind.? Robin is able to rally the peasants to fight theRead more

    Question 1:? Have the recruits likewise suffered the loss of family members??? IOW: what’s their motivation?? What drives them to violence, to such extreme measures?? What is their personal stake??

    The various iterations of “Robin Hood” come to mind.? Robin is able to rally the peasants to fight the barons (personified by the nefarious sheriff of Nottingham) because they have suffered injustices like he has.? They aren’t going to join him just because he can make a fiery speech, or because he’s handsome and radiates personal magnetism.? They are only going to risk their lives because they have skin in the game.?

    Question 2: “begins the most audacious rebellion…”? Well, other than avenging the murder of her family, what does that specifically entail?? Lead a retrocession movement to return California to Mexico?? Fight for independence from both the U.S. and Mexico?? Become bandidas stealing gold from the prospectors?

    I can visualize a number of dramatic possibilities here — and that’s good.? A logline is working when it fires up the imagination of readers.? But I suggest the story hook needs to be further baited with a little more specific detail.

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  3. Posted: February 7, 2020In:

    When a cursed camera captures pictures of predestined murders, a cakera collector must unravel mysteries of the occult device to stop her husband’s gruesome fate.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    It might work if the plot is setup in a way that establishes a track record for the camera.? That is, the protagonist discovers evidence that several snapshots of death events created by the camera actually came to pass. And then the camera takes a snapshot of the death event of her husband.? (Or evRead more

    It might work if the plot is setup in a way that establishes a track record for the camera.? That is, the protagonist discovers evidence that several snapshots of death events created by the camera actually came to pass.

    And then the camera takes a snapshot of the death event of her husband.? (Or even more emotionally effective, her children.? Who are innocent and helpless.)

    fwiw

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