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  1. Posted: March 29, 2017In: Comedy

    THE EGG AND I- A blindly driven 40-year-old woman is told she’s too old to have a baby but may have a shot if she finds sperm in a week, she finds a fortuitous donor, while her ex-bestie manipulates him, attempting to block her from finding unexpected love and one good egg.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on March 29, 2017 at 12:47 pm

    Let me see if I can parse this:>>is told she?s too old to have a babySays who? ?Her hair dresser? ?Her office co-workers? ?A her gynecologist, after an examination?>>>may have a shot This seems to contradict the previous statement because if she were ?too old, ?she would not even haveRead more

    Let me see if I can parse this:

    >>is told she?s too old to have a baby
    Says who? ?Her hair dresser? ?Her office co-workers? ?A her gynecologist, after an examination?

    >>>may have a shot
    This seems to contradict the previous statement because if she were ?too old, ?she would not even have a shot.

    >>>if she finds sperm in a week
    I know there’s an optimal window each month in the menstrual cycle ?– but if she misses the window of opportunity next week, can’t she try again next month? ?IOW; I don’t find “next week or never” to be credible.

    >>>she finds a fortuitous donor
    That was fast

    Too fast. ?Nothing should be quick and easy for the main character, particularly in finding the sin qua non, the right man to make her pregnant.

    What if her dramatic dilemma is that she urgently feels the biological clock ticking down ?– but she also wants a donor who ?matches her impossibly high standards for a sire? ?

    I mean, why is she still single? What is the real character flaw that got her into this predicament?

    >>>while her ex-bestie manipulates him,
    A mid-point complication for the plot, but in any event extraneous for the purpose of a logline. ? Why? Because you’ve only got 25-30 words ideally, 40 words absolute max — your version is 48 — to ?lay out the key elements in the plot. (As enumerated under “Formula” at the top of the web page). There’s no ?spare space to squeeze in midpoint ?complications or shocking 3rd Act reveals.

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: March 29, 2017In: Comedy

    FARTACUS – An NC-17 bawdy adventure set in Ancient Rome: When a lowly slave is mistaken for aristocratic progeny he has one chance to outwits rivals, seduces virgin nobles, and cons the Gods on his improbable road to becoming Caesar.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on March 29, 2017 at 10:48 am

    >>>set in Ancient Greece: Uh, Caesar was a the name of a Roman and a Roman title assumed by Octavian and his successors after Caesar's "Et tu Brutus" moment. And Spartacus was a Roman slave who led a slave rebellion in Italy.

    >>>set in Ancient Greece:

    Uh, Caesar was a the name of a Roman and a Roman title assumed by Octavian and his successors after Caesar’s “Et tu Brutus” moment.

    And Spartacus was a Roman slave who led a slave rebellion in Italy.

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  3. Posted: March 26, 2017In: Drama

    When a businessman is injured in a car accident, he embarks on a quest to find the origin of a family heirloom in dangerous Brazilian jungle.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on March 29, 2017 at 10:15 am

    Hmm. ? The quest in all these iterations seem to be a story in search of a plot, a destination in search of a ?good reason to go.Whatever the inciting incident is, it should threaten a character vulnerability that in turn threatens the protagonist's ability to achieve his objective goal. ?And I justRead more

    Hmm. ? The quest in all these iterations seem to be a story in search of a plot, a destination in search of a ?good reason to go.

    Whatever the inciting incident is, it should threaten a character vulnerability that in turn threatens the protagonist’s ability to achieve his objective goal. ?And I just don’t see that linkage in these iterations.

    Also, the heirloom needs to be a McGuffin, something everyone is after. ?There needs to be a rival to ratchet up ?the stakes, jeopardy and dramatic tension.

    fwiw

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