1. Posted: February 12, 2017In:

    When the livestock of a small farming community comes under attack from a mysterious predator the sheriff gathers a coalition of the willing to venture into the woods to find and kill the animal. However as they trek further and further into the woods, they are killed off one by one and the sheriff, realizing one of them is the monster in disguise, must solve the mystery of who?s the killer. *This one feels messier then the previous one but how do I accentuate the details whilst still keeping it brief?

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    >>realizing one of them is the monster in disguise, must solve the mystery of who?s the killer. *I suggest dropping it from the logline. ?It's a spoiler something a logline should never have.What's the hook of your story? ?Well, for me it would be a hunting party whose members mysteriously getRead more

    >>realizing one of them is the monster in disguise, must solve the mystery of who?s the killer. *

    I suggest dropping it from the logline. ?It’s a spoiler something a logline should never have.

    What’s the hook of your story? ?Well, for me it would be a hunting party whose members mysteriously get killed off one by one — in the same grotesque manner as were the livestock. ?Your previous version didn’t make that point, that ?the humans are being killed off — mutilated — just like the livestock. ?But that is part of the story, isn’t it? ?And if it isn’t, shouldn’t it be? And ?if is, shouldn’t it be featured in the logline?

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: February 12, 2017In:

    A jock and a cheerleader break up and start competing with each other in a student body presidential election at their high school.

    dpg Singularity

    Wouldn't it be even funnier if you stand the premise on its head: what if they don't break up but both compete for the position? ?Can their romance survive the rivalry?

    Wouldn’t it be even funnier if you stand the premise on its head: what if they don’t break up but both compete for the position? ?Can their romance survive the rivalry?

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  3. Posted: February 11, 2017In:

    When her father is assassinated, a sheltered princess searches the land to learn magical arts from her exiled mother to take revenge and save her people

    dpg Singularity

    Agree with Dkpough1. ?Particularly ?on the lack of a characterized antagonist. ?Because the antagonist supplies the why -- why she must resort to ?sorcery? ?Why doesn't she just learn to play a shrewd political game, ?forge alliances with the usurpers opponents, rally supporters, etc. ?What makes thRead more

    Agree with Dkpough1. ?Particularly ?on the lack of a characterized antagonist. ?Because the antagonist supplies the why — why she must resort to ?sorcery? ?Why doesn’t she just learn to play a shrewd political game, ?forge alliances with the usurpers opponents, rally supporters, etc. ?What makes the usurper so potent, so sinister she must resort to such extreme measures as sorcery?

    Also while revenge is an acceptable goal, isn’t her overall objective goal to regain the throne? ?Or is that all she wants, revenge, ?life for life?

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