1. Posted: February 10, 2017In:

    In the year 3,000 since the hell-break an ex-soldier is helping group of small weasel-like creatures to cross hostile continent in search for their homeland. Part of the payment he receives is not simply a toy like he believes in the beginning but a mysterious powerful entity.

    Best Answer
    EverStride Penpusher

    Thanks again for your input. Seems I got at the wrong end of?"Test your logline here before spending months in development"?and I see why. Also I see that the problem is not so much to find good logline, but rather to reshape the?story itself.?So I'm starting to?write?new script based on the previouRead more

    Thanks again for your input. Seems I got at the wrong end of?”Test your logline here before spending months in development”?and I see why. Also I see that the problem is not so much to find good logline, but rather to reshape the?story itself.?So I’m starting to?write?new script based on the previous two?where?I can include the missing elements such as an enemy symbolising the general bad sentiment towards my creatures (I’m trying first with human-based racist empire) or event which will bring up the stakes.

    However I wonder if is possible to have a bit reluctant hero who is initially just dragged?by the events and accepts the job from feeling of pity and not appreciating the difficulties ahead, but who grows during the story and then he takes seriously the task to deliver alive his clients. May be a bit like Bilbo from Hobbit?

    I posted already couple of loglines, where I?think I addressed some of these issues.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: February 10, 2017In:

    In the year 3,000 since the hell-break an ex-soldier is helping group of small weasel-like creatures to cross hostile continent in search for their homeland. Part of the payment he receives is not simply a toy like he believes in the beginning but a mysterious powerful entity.

    Best Answer
    EverStride Penpusher

    Thank you all, I think I should've started earlier thinking about the logline. Now I have couple of drafts of this?story, but I can't logline them. Call for adventure - getting to meet these creatures, rarely seen, but looked upon?with disdain?and regarded as pests. With this I wanted to touch the nRead more

    Thank you all, I think I should’ve started earlier thinking about the logline. Now I have couple of drafts of this?story, but I can’t logline them.
    Call for adventure – getting to meet these creatures, rarely seen, but looked upon?with disdain?and regarded as pests. With this I wanted to touch the notion of how being a “racist” one can miss a opportunity. (The call for adventure was receiving the strange toy in my first?draft, but it didn’t sound very exciting)
    Goal – to reach the homeland of the refugees, at the beginning for the payment, but as the?story progress he discovers that they are not simply pests and starts to appreciate them and the goal transforms in saving them. I portray them as outcasts, treated like?the Jewish people before WW2, however they are not central to the story but rather background for it and one of the tasks for a knight-errant.?(In my first?draft, the goal was to win a share of rumoured great treasure like in Hobbit)
    Enemy – Just the hostile alien nature and the people’s xenophobia, do I have to have a?focused enemy?
    Hero – at beginning reluctant veteran-hobo and grows in knight-errant.
    At the beginning the “entity” is just a very curious toy, which is not powerful at all, because doesn?t work properly, but?at the end it is fixed when the hero reaches the homeland of the refugees.

    I’ll try to clarify these issues in the logline itself and if you have additional recommendations I’ll be very grateful to read them, thanks again.

    See less
    • 0