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The ruler of militant state decides to make war against the peaceful Flavestina and conquer it. Relying on his army, he doesn’t at once accept his Astrologer’s advice: to use magic for sure victory. The magic ritual, however, will require stealing the Golden Cup from the altar of the Temple of the Sun in Flavestina. Army and magic against love and courage: who will win?
Your logline is simply too long; 50 words should be your ultimate limit, and closer to only 25 words would be much better. Also, logline readers don't have time to learn your whole story world's mythology, so trim out all but the "nugget" of the story. For example I suspect your logline is leaving oRead more
Your logline is simply too long; 50 words should be your ultimate limit, and closer to only 25 words would be much better.
Also, logline readers don’t have time to learn your whole story world’s mythology, so trim out all but the “nugget” of the story.
For example I suspect your logline is leaving out the pivotal relationship in the story. Is the story’s core relationship really that between the ruler and his astrologer? Or does Flavestina have a ruler (like a princess) who will actually become the most important influence in the militant ruler’s life?
Basically, you’re so fixated on all the story-world stuff here, you don’t set up a relationship that pulls us in. See if you can find the successful loglines for “The Princess Bride,” “Ever After,” “Labyrinth,” “The Lord of the Rings,” etc.
See lessAt the turn of the 20th century, after an affair with a young Catholic Nun, a priest is enveloped in her kidnap and public fight against his Church, until finally, he renounces his faith to be with her on her deathbed.
I agree with FFF: Your logline should NOT give away the end of your movie. And you should make the priest's inner struggle more obvious: Is he a "devout" priest who finds himself doing all this stuff? Is he an "up-and-coming young" priest with "a bright future"? And the kidnapping part of this is moRead more
I agree with FFF: Your logline should NOT give away the end of your movie.
And you should make the priest’s inner struggle more obvious: Is he a “devout” priest who finds himself doing all this stuff? Is he an “up-and-coming young” priest with “a bright future”?
And the kidnapping part of this is more important than when it took place: Did the priest’s affair somehow tie to the kidnapping? What are the speculated motives for the kidnapping?
Maybe something more like:
“An up-and-coming young Vatican priest and nun fall into a torrid affair; then just after they end it, she is kidnapped by robed men in black. So the young priest begins trying to find out(against growing opposition) who is holding her, and why.”
See lessA law-abiding citizen finds himself in a notorious gangland bar awaiting the arrival of his future self: a killer on the run who needs his help to stay alive.
Sounds too much like "Looper."
Sounds too much like “Looper.”
See less