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After the death of his employer, a devoted bodyguard is far from knowing he has inherited all plus the old demons of his employer of which he has to fight to save his life and that of the daughter of the deceased with whom he has a secret affair
Hey Songo, I read your logline and liked the premise but I felt as though the word length detracted from the whole "pitch" aspect as it needs to be more direct to be considered more effective as a logline. Here's a rewritten logline for your consideration: When a devoted bodyguard inherits his deadRead more
Hey Songo,
I read your logline and liked the premise but I felt as though the word length detracted from the whole “pitch” aspect as it needs to be more direct to be considered more effective as a logline. Here’s a rewritten logline for your consideration:
When a devoted bodyguard inherits his dead employer’s debts he must fight for the lives of both himself and the daughter of the deceased, with whom his affairs are becoming evermore prevalent.
Merry Christmas.
See lessA rural grandfather with a distant relationship with his urbanite daughter will try to convince her that his granddaughter study the next year in the village school and so the school will not close
I quite like this story for its unambitious nature, though I must admit this is a hard sell given that the stakes aren't very high since not many readers are going to be anxious whether or not a rural school stays open. Nevertheless, I've tried to simplify your logline all whilst adding my own takeRead more
I quite like this story for its unambitious nature, though I must admit this is a hard sell given that the stakes aren’t very high since not many readers are going to be anxious whether or not a rural school stays open. Nevertheless, I’ve tried to simplify your logline all whilst adding my own take on the characters.
“A distant grandfather must get his ill-parented granddaughter to attend the village school to prevent its closure at the reluctance of her workaholic mother.”
I removed “rural” and “urbanite” from the character descriptions since I feel the word “distant,” in conjunction with “the village school,” convey the physical distance between the characters. The secondary function of the word “distant” serves as implication that the relationship between the grandfather and his daughter and helps add to the tension between these two characters.
See lessA 12 year-old drug dealer evades his police officer mother as the opioid crisis comes to town.
Protagonist: 12 year-old drug dealer. Protagonist could perhaps benefit with a little bit more description. For example, other than his drug dealing, what are his mannerisms? Tell me something about his personality to help me better envision this character. Protagonist goal: Evading his police officRead more
Protagonist: 12 year-old drug dealer. Protagonist could perhaps benefit with a little bit more description. For example, other than his drug dealing, what are his mannerisms? Tell me something about his personality to help me better envision this character.
Protagonist goal: Evading his police officer mother in midst of a opioid crisis. Evasion alone isn’t much of a goal. I can gather that the character was motivated by making easy money, but there isn’t much that stands out here. You need a compelling goal for the protagonist that the target audience is going to relate to. Evasion alone isn’t enough, especially when the protagonist has nowhere he wants to go in particular.
Antagonist: The protagonist’s mother happens to be a police officer.
Genre: Comedy / drama. Drama aside, nothing of this logline suggests comedy. The only perplexing element of this logline is that the antagonist is the protagonist’s mother, but not even that is enough to convey comedy is present. The best way I imagine one would suggest comedy in a logline would be to describe something that is blatantly ironic. Whether it be a character trait or a situation in question, irony is a good means of conveying comedy.
Inciting Incident: There is none.
Lastly the logline has plenty of room to grow. Lets assume you are limited by a 25 word length, if that’s the case you have another 7-8 words to play with (depending how you count hyphenated words). A lot can be said in 25 words, and with that I would suggest writing a similar logline but structure it in different ways. Make sure to include an Inciting Incident as it is one of the most impactful elements of a logline if implemented properly.
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