1. Posted: March 29, 2019In:

    As dimensional portals bring refugees from an another earth, a disillusioned border agent encounters his alternate-earth daughter and becomes torn between following orders, or protecting an alternate world from annihilation.

    Best Answer
    lxdengar Penpusher

    Hi Dpg, Yep, that's how this idea came up in the first place. The separations of families and handling of the crisis in general has been inspiring (sadly). I'll play around with the action/plan. Obviously the disobey/abandon/defy his orders pits him against an antagonist(s), which is the tricky partRead more

    Hi Dpg,

    Yep, that’s how this idea came up in the first place. The separations of families and handling of the crisis in general has been inspiring (sadly).

    I’ll play around with the action/plan. Obviously the disobey/abandon/defy his orders pits him against an antagonist(s), which is the tricky part to fit in.

    Thanks for your advice!

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  2. Posted: March 29, 2019In:

    As dimensional portals bring refugees from an another earth, a disillusioned border agent encounters his alternate-earth daughter and becomes torn between following orders, or protecting an alternate world from annihilation.

    Best Answer
    lxdengar Penpusher

    Hi Dpg, Thank you. You're right, 'abandon' feels passive - as if he could simply ignore his orders without consequence. How about 'disobey'? I see your point about the refugee status, since I haven't made it clear that things aren't going well for refugees.? I'm adding the word 'illegal.' Looking atRead more

    Hi Dpg,

    Thank you. You’re right, ‘abandon‘ feels passive – as if he could simply ignore his orders without consequence. How about ‘disobey‘?

    I see your point about the refugee status, since I haven’t made it clear that things aren’t going well for refugees.? I’m adding the word ‘illegal.’

    Looking at other SciFi Loglines, it seems they can sometimes use a setup phrase, so I tried to add one.

    [REVISED] Struggling to contain portals from an alternate-Earth, a dimensional border agent encounters his long-dead daughter among the illegal refugees, and must disobey orders to save his child and her world from destruction.

    Words:32

    Really having issues fitting this all in ~30 words. I would love to get into the antagonist a bit, but not sure how hard the 30-word limit is.

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  3. Posted: March 29, 2019In:

    As dimensional portals bring refugees from an another earth, a disillusioned border agent encounters his alternate-earth daughter and becomes torn between following orders, or protecting an alternate world from annihilation.

    Best Answer
    lxdengar Penpusher

    Hi Richiev, thanks for the input!? I guess I fell into the trap of trying to explain the setting. You guessed indeed that the daughter element is going to involve death. I was trying to shoe-horn it in there, and failing. Is this better with the ?When? structure, using the catalyst? When a disillusiRead more

    Hi Richiev, thanks for the input!? I guess I fell into the trap of trying to explain the setting. You guessed indeed that the daughter element is going to involve death. I was trying to shoe-horn it in there, and failing.

    Is this better with the ?When? structure, using the catalyst?

    When a disillusioned dimensional border agent encounters his long-dead daughter among alternate-Earth refugees, he must abandon his orders, or risk losing her for good, and her world?s annihilation.

    Ugh, “disillusioned dimensional border agent” sure is a mouthful.

    Hope that states his goal as well: not to lose his daughter again.

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