1. Posted: July 8, 2020In:

    When stranded in her partner’s old ski village on the anniversary of his disappearance, a distraught woman must finally kill the old thing that’s been lurking in the snow.

    mebrandt2 Penpusher

    I'd personally drop the when and reword the star more like, "Stranded on the anniversary of her partner's disappearance in his old ski village..." To me that comes right out the gate with impact, of course this is a personal preference. Did her partner own a ski village or live there or was it a plaRead more

    I’d personally drop the when and reword the star more like, “Stranded on the anniversary of her partner’s disappearance in his old ski village…” To me that comes right out the gate with impact, of course this is a personal preference. Did her partner own a ski village or live there or was it a place he visited? The wording for that seems a tad off to me, maybe I’m not versed enough in skiing to understand that. Still, I would be interested to know what has been lurking in the snow.

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  2. Posted: July 9, 2020In:

    A young black man accidentally travels to the past. He is decided to save his great-grandmother, a slave, with the help of her owner’s son

    mebrandt2 Penpusher

    I agree I like the idea you are building but the wording needs work. We've got our protagonist, what appears to be an obstacle though the way it's presented doesn't feel like a strong call. Build on that, this should be creating a strong mental image for the reader to grab onto. Also, best to keep tRead more

    I agree I like the idea you are building but the wording needs work. We’ve got our protagonist, what appears to be an obstacle though the way it’s presented doesn’t feel like a strong call. Build on that, this should be creating a strong mental image for the reader to grab onto. Also, best to keep these at one sentence.

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