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  1. Posted: December 19, 2018In: Adventure

    When illness and havoc spread across England, Queen Elizabeth I must confront the Devil and save her kingdom.

    mrond Penpusher
    Added an answer on December 20, 2018 at 4:40 pm

    ?When a demonic plague devastates?England, a desperate Queen Elizabeth, in order to save her country, must travel to the crossroads and defeat the Devil in a rocking Harpsichord contest: If she wins, England is saved, if she loses, it?s her very soul.? Possible title: The Devil Went Down to BrightonRead more

    ?When a demonic plague devastates?England, a desperate Queen Elizabeth, in order to save her country, must travel to the crossroads and defeat the Devil in a rocking Harpsichord contest: If she wins, England is saved, if she loses, it?s her very soul.?

    Possible title: The Devil Went Down to Brighton

    How did you know about the Harpsichord contest? ?

    But seriously your points and? Dkpouh’s are well taken about the confrontation.

    Thanks for your advise. I’m off to work on it some more.

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  2. Posted: August 31, 2016In: Action

    After his girl disappears, a vacationing underachiever must interfere in the last heist of a ruthless ageing crook hell-bent on capturing the girl he needs to finish the job.

    mrond Penpusher
    Added an answer on September 1, 2016 at 2:38 am

    Hi Moses, thanks for your reply. I'm trying to take in your comments, but I'm obviously still missing a few things. I'll try and break it down according to your points: His girl ? daughter or girlfriend? -?Point taken, it's his girlfriend. What does ?him vacationing have to do with the story? -?EverRead more

    Hi Moses, thanks for your reply.
    I’m trying to take in your comments, but I’m obviously still missing a few things.
    I’ll try and break it down according to your points:

    His girl ? daughter or girlfriend? -?Point taken, it’s his girlfriend.
    What does ?him vacationing have to do with the story? -?Everything happens while he’s on vacation. He goes overseas, meets the girl, he gets caught up with the crook and his gang. ?I also used “Vacationing” to imply that he’s in a foreign land and everything that goes along with it (different customs, being lost in translation, etc). Should I not use it at all?
    Or being an underachiever for that matter ? it seems like a flaw for the sake of a flaw? -?It’s not a flaw for the sake of a flaw, he truly is an underachiever. ?But I can’t write “young intelligent, ?but lazy little prick with no real goal in life”. Part of his arc is discovering that there are things worth fighting for(the girl), and finding the strength to do it. In my first attempt at the logline I just had Young Man, but that really is too plain.
    Interfere? That?s very vague which doesn?t make it much of a goal -?I understand what you’ve said here. I’ll try to find something more fitting.
    how does the ?girl? fit into ?the job? – The crook needs her fingerprint to unlock a vault. It’s something that seems small, but without it the whole job goes bust. But the crook’s need of the fingerprint ?is revealed late in the story. ?Should I use “fingerprint” in the log line? I didn’t want to use it, because I didn’t want to give it away.

    Once again, thanks.

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