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Dangerous and heart-wrenching things an elderly Charlie does because of his own Alzheimer’s and bad childhood memories.
This is a cool idea for a short film, but in your logline I feel like you give the entire surprise away. The logline should leave the reader to ask "I wonder what will happen?" I wonder if you might consider not telling us in the log-line that Charlie is an elderly man, rather set it up in such a waRead more
This is a cool idea for a short film, but in your logline I feel like you give the entire surprise away. The logline should leave the reader to ask “I wonder what will happen?” I wonder if you might consider not telling us in the log-line that Charlie is an elderly man, rather set it up in such a way that we believe a neglected child has escaped his home seeking his mother’s love as you noted below, but that strange and dangerous things begin to happen to him in his search for her. This allows the reader to intuit a mystery about the story. The log line’s whole intention is to make someone want to pick up your script and read it, or watch your film, the surprise of this film is that Charlie is not a child at all, but if you give that away in the logline then you’ve taken away the audience/reader’s ability to be surprised by your final reveal.
See lessIn a semi-medieval city, an abused blind orphan boy with magical powers must stop a megalomeniac businessman before he obliterates his kingdom and his people.
Hi Benneth, I can see that you've tried out a few different ways of wording this idea. I think fantasy adventures are always fun and this seems like it may be a hybrid of sorts, but it needs some clarification. I'm not sure what a semi-medieval city is. It's hard for me to imagine and I get hung upRead more
Hi Benneth,
I can see that you’ve tried out a few different ways of wording this idea. I think fantasy adventures are always fun and this seems like it may be a hybrid of sorts, but it needs some clarification.
I’m not sure what a semi-medieval city is. It’s hard for me to imagine and I get hung up on trying to figure out what that is, instead of being engaged by the potential of the story.
Are we in some alternate universe where such a thing could exist? Or is there another explanation? it needs to be communicated in a succinct way within the log-line.
Also, I’m not sure how a business man exists in such a world. In a medieval setting he’d be a merchant or powerful land owner, the term businessman seems too modern for the setting your describing.
I’d centralize your hero a bit more in the logline, clarify the setting, and also add a detail about the danger: Why does your megalomanic business man want to destroy the kingdom?
See lessA mysterious Dark Planet, a troubled Test Pilot lost at the far side of the Galaxy overcoming the vast obstacles to find his way home to his beloved daughter and wife.
While mysterious, dark planet is engaging to the imagination as an image, I would guess that the planet is not your main character. As Neer said, your two ideas there are not connected well enough at the moment, but also they don't connect our hero "a troubled test pilot," to the mysterious dark plaRead more
While mysterious, dark planet is engaging to the imagination as an image, I would guess that the planet is not your main character. As Neer said, your two ideas there are not connected well enough at the moment, but also they don’t connect our hero “a troubled test pilot,” to the mysterious dark planet.
See lessAre the vast obstacles connected to the mysterious dark planet as well? Seems like they would be. I’d definitely change this to astronaut and think about using what is now your second clause as your first. So that it reads, “A troubled astronaut lost at the far side of the galaxy encounters a mysterious dark planet…”
This not only places your hero at the center of all of the action but also connects all of these ideas.
You will still need to clarify a bit more about what makes the planet mysterious and dark.
Interesting idea though.