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When the mysterious knight who slaughtered his village?returns, a distrustful werewolf reluctantly teams with a rebellious human princess to track the knight down before he starts a war between humans and fantasy creatures.
I would go with: A distrustful werewolf must team up with a human princess to stop a vengeful knight from starting a war between humans and fantasy creatures. The backstory as to what the knight did in the past is useful for the story, but not necessary in the logline. It would be better to iRead more
I would go with:
A distrustful werewolf must team up with a human princess to stop a vengeful knight from starting a war between humans and fantasy creatures.
The backstory as to what the knight did in the past is useful for the story, but not necessary in the logline. It would be better to include why it is this werewolf and princess that can stop him, rather than giving the motivation. Given the stakes, backstory motivation isn’t required as part of the hook.
See lessA small-town janitor reels from the death of his former teacher and wife, only to be unexpectedly snowed in at his alma mater secondary school over Christmas holidays, challenged with sheer survival as well as the demons of his past.
I like the specificity, and there are some good parts here that give me an impression on what the story will be, but it's also still a little too vague. First of all, is his former teacher and wife the same person? It's not clear, and I have no idea why it's important that we know both, or how thatRead more
I like the specificity, and there are some good parts here that give me an impression on what the story will be, but it’s also still a little too vague.
First of all, is his former teacher and wife the same person? It’s not clear, and I have no idea why it’s important that we know both, or how that death relates to the rest of the story. Challenging his demons implies he played some part in her death? If so make that clear.
Alma mater secondary school is very wordy and a little odd. Why not – former high school?
And most importantly, what is the actual movie about? Getting snowed in at a school is hardly life or death, so how does it become about survival? And is it just him stuck at a school? And why he is at the school (funeral/memorial maybe?). If the ‘demons of his past’ are not literal then I would include them. Is this a supernatural horror?
It’s a good start, but some more specifics are required.
See lessA hopeless romantic is stuck in a love triangle with her fiance and his bestman, and has three months to choose who she walks down the isle with.
It's very vague. Tell us something interesting about these three people that makes it interesting. Are the groom and best man very different people - perhaps one represents a life of passion and excitement the other a life of security and safety - that kind of thing makes the decision interesting anRead more
It’s very vague. Tell us something interesting about these three people that makes it interesting. Are the groom and best man very different people – perhaps one represents a life of passion and excitement the other a life of security and safety – that kind of thing makes the decision interesting and meaningful.
We also want to learn about her, especially as my first reaction is – WHO CARES?
What are the stakes of choosing one over the other? This needs to be a dilemma, they both need to be good choices. And there needs to be repercussions.
On top of all that 3 months is far too long to make this interesting. 3 days would probably still be too long. If it was the day before the wedding then that might work. Movies work far better in contained circumstances. The drama is instantly higher than 3 months which makes it seem like a long drawn out drama (boring!).
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