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A group of thieves rob a police station in hope of retrieving sensitive evidence that could potentially end their criminal careers for good.
Good start. Next attempt...State the protag or main character. Even in a group, one leads the way or has the arc . Offer something to make us like, or relate to, this criminal (not necessarily all of them).The logline seems to cover a short period time so clarify what is the bulk of the story. Is AcRead more
Good start. Next attempt…
State the protag or main character. Even in a group, one leads the way or has the arc . Offer something to make us like, or relate to, this criminal (not necessarily all of them).
The logline seems to cover a short period time so clarify what is the bulk of the story. Is Act II about the preparation and then they strike in Act III?
>> sensitive
Redundant with the stakes.
Is there something specific about the evidence that would help with the mental picture or danger?
>> that could potentially end their criminal careers for good.
Be specific and certain. This has to mesh with the protag…if we root for him to succeed (so the evidence can’t paint him a terrible light) or witness his failure.
It may help to add the wider location, a small town or city.
My two cents.
See lessA hired thief steals a magic relic awakening 12 mercenary monks; all will team up to keep the relic away from an ancient power hungry Templar.
Instead of another logline, take a step back and briefly answer the following:Who is the protag? What makes him ironic or unlikely to succeed? Why him?What is his objective?Who or what gets in his way?What are the stakes?What does most of Act II look like?What makes this special compared to others iRead more
Instead of another logline, take a step back and briefly answer the following:
Who is the protag? What makes him ironic or unlikely to succeed? Why him?
What is his objective?
Who or what gets in his way?
What are the stakes?
What does most of Act II look like?
What makes this special compared to others in the ‘Battle over a relic’ sub-genre?
Then specifically about this attempt:
Once the monks are awakened, why does the thief remain part of the story? What can he do that the monks cannot? “Mercenary” monks is hard to understand and it’s odd that they don’t? guard the relic to prevent its theft. Wouldn’t 12 supernatural mercenaries have an easy time against one supernatural Templar?
The Templar character is confusing. Usually a story has one coincidence or what-if? and here it seems there are two as he seems to be alive independently of the relic or theft. Has he been trying since ancient times to get the relic? If yes, what’s taken so long?! What does he plan to do? How does his plan relate to the original Templars and their battles?
The previous loglines mentioned Vietnam vet so when does the story take place? If it’s not the present, is there a need for this to be in the recent past?
Where does this take place?
See lessDuring the Oscars, knowing that it would be a highly televised award show with top actors and celebrities are kidnapped and held hostage by the Russian Mafia demanding the release of their crime boss who has been detained in the US. A stuntman in attendance and a famous actress whom he had dated previously must help in rescuing all the hostages including his mom who he brought to the award ceremony.
Stuntman was mentioned as an example or without thinking it through. To really do it, consider if his presence needs an explanation since he wouldn't be invited by the Academy. If anything, the stuntman would be someone else's plus-one. Or he'd be outside protesting (with others, seeking recognitionRead more
Stuntman was mentioned as an example or without thinking it through. To really do it, consider if his presence needs an explanation since he wouldn’t be invited by the Academy. If anything, the stuntman would be someone else’s plus-one. Or he’d be outside protesting (with others, seeking recognition) and somehow sneak in when all hell breaks loose.
See less