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When she starts being tormented by an evil force,? a business woman must seek help from her husband after he is committed to a psychiatric hospital for trying to open her third eye.
The biggest issue I have with this is... I can't tell if there's a relationship between the evil force and this third eye business.? What does the husband do?? Is he a psychic like Richiev thought, or maybe some sort of occult researcher?? Is he an archaeologist who adventured and brought home a curRead more
The biggest issue I have with this is… I can’t tell if there’s a relationship between the evil force and this third eye business.? What does the husband do?? Is he a psychic like Richiev thought, or maybe some sort of occult researcher?? Is he an archaeologist who adventured and brought home a cursed artifact then gone mad?? I think that last suggestion sounds like the best hook to me.? It’s always fun and dramatic to go to the crazy guy for help.
See less(4th revision) 3000 BC: a hybrid child, despised by the world, is adopted by a genie; causing his stepfater’s damnation, he must redeem himself and become the god of the dead, Anubis.
The word "hybrid" needs to be defined better.? It's a hybrid half-human, half-genie?? Or half something else?? The genie adopting him caused his stepfather's damnation?? This business of "becoming the god of the dead? Anubis" seems like such a non-sequitur.? Does he redeem himself by becoming this gRead more
The word “hybrid” needs to be defined better.? It’s a hybrid half-human, half-genie?? Or half something else?? The genie adopting him caused his stepfather’s damnation?? This business of “becoming the god of the dead? Anubis” seems like such a non-sequitur.? Does he redeem himself by becoming this god of the dead, like old relatives calling you up after you win the lottery?? Maybe something closer to:
Shunned for his half-genie lineage, a child must redeem himself in the eyes of his stepfather by becoming Anubis, the god of the dead.
See lessWhen a bullied classmate turns up drowned, meek hall monitor must team up with their high school tormentor in order to catch the culprit.
I think the main thing missing from this is the relationship between the dead bullied school kid and the hall monitor, who is probably also a bullied school kid.? If you make them "best friends" as another comment suggests, or brothers maybe, then there's a reason for this hall monitor to risk his sRead more
I think the main thing missing from this is the relationship between the dead bullied school kid and the hall monitor, who is probably also a bullied school kid.? If you make them “best friends” as another comment suggests, or brothers maybe, then there’s a reason for this hall monitor to risk his scrawny neck to put a stop to this!
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