1. Posted: October 8, 2015In:

    After the murder of her mother, an anti-socialite young girl must survive the trials of a ritualistic fraternity to vindicate the alleged killer…Her father!

    Steven Fernandez Logliner

    Fundamentally, I think this lacks originality.? It even lacks a different twist on an otherwise already-done plot. The college fraternity element is the weakest link of the chain.? On the face of it, so what if the killer is hiding in a college fraternity?? I mean, if the killer was part of an excluRead more

    Fundamentally, I think this lacks originality.? It even lacks a different twist on an otherwise already-done plot.

    The college fraternity element is the weakest link of the chain.? On the face of it, so what if the killer is hiding in a college fraternity?? I mean, if the killer was part of an exclusive gentleman’s club (perhaps a Freemason?) – or even better, part of the legal fraternity (a court judge?) – then that would have a stronger ‘so what’ factor.? (Still would not be a very original story concept, but would make the stakes higher and clearer for the daughter.)

    While I still don’t think that the whole concept is compelling, I would recommend – as a bare minimum change – that the killer be implied to be someone extraordinary.? For example:? a presidential candidate, a leading medical scientist or surgeon, a rogue secret agent, or even a vampire or alien conspirator.? (I admit these examples are trite and stereotypical, but they should communicate my point clearly.)

    Going further, I would suggest a couple of other changes:

    a) Say “alleged murder” of the mother – leaving the reader guessing that maybe she’s not actually dead (!) … Some producers may like the possibility of ripping off “Gone Girl” a bit.

    b) Perhaps say one thing interesting about the daughter.? For example:? she’s “psychic”, or epileptic, agoraphobic, has severe allergies, or even communicates with spirits and/or the dead.

    If you make all three changes I am suggesting, I think your story idea will at least come across as ‘interesting’.

    Good luck with it.

    Steven.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: September 25, 2015In:

    Everyone that touches Berry instantly dies a horrible, painful death. Can he get out of the busiest city in the US without killing anyone else?

    Steven Fernandez Logliner

    I think we need? a bit more to hint at the humanity of Berry.? A great irony would be that he is a doctor or care worker.?? Even better if Berry only acquired his 'condition' very recently and with no readily apparent cause.? If Berry had this condition long term, for instance, then it would be hardRead more

    I think we need? a bit more to hint at the humanity of Berry.? A great irony would be that he is a doctor or care worker.?? Even better if Berry only acquired his ‘condition’ very recently and with no readily apparent cause.? If Berry had this condition long term, for instance, then it would be hard to believe he would become anything other than a sociopath (not a character type we could easily be in sympathy with!).

    Also the set up does not leave any obvious scope for deep character development of Berry.? He is in a desperate situation, fair enough.? But might there be a life lesson for him in this as well?

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: September 25, 2015In:

    A secret government test places 3 children that have been raised with no human contact on a deserted island to see how they develop.

    Steven Fernandez Logliner

    The above critiques are really good. My addition is that the logline does not quite make crystal if the trio have been raised together or completely apart.? (Which makes a big difference from a viewer empathy point of view.) For viewer empathy to work on this situation, I think it is imperative thatRead more

    The above critiques are really good.

    My addition is that the logline does not quite make crystal if the trio have been raised together or completely apart.? (Which makes a big difference from a viewer empathy point of view.)

    For viewer empathy to work on this situation, I think it is imperative that the three children have grown up and trained together so that they could at least be a viable team from the moment they are ‘dumped’ on their own.? Rather than acting like wary apes towards each other?in the first sequence of tests.

    See less
    • 0