Hi?I’m working on a logline for my story and am realizing how very difficult it is. I must have written 20 attempts already and have learned that the first few drafts pretty much follow a formula but then you boil that down further and what you end with is the story’s theme and goal. I’ve seen two versions of your logline and each puts the emphasis on a different goal/mystery – one is about threatening society, and the other is about a sister hiring an AI to kill her. I’m thinking you may need to nail down your story’s theme and goal first.

Questions you may need to answer…
1. Does the fact that the murder is the PI’s sister or that the sister is estranged present any conflict in the story goal? If not, it’s superfluous.
2. Same with the drug addiction, does it present any conflict in the story goal? If not, remove from logline – unless maybe the mention of the drug addict shows how opposite the two are – which is important if that is what makes the story interesting.
3. Also, what is the story theme? Save the world? Familial obligation? Androids have feelings too?

I thought your first attempt emphasized the important parts but needed to be tightened so I tightened it below. I thought your?second attempt emphasized some unimportant parts so I didn’t edit that one.

A futuristic story [In a world where most jobs have been taken over by AI?s,] about an odd couple detective duo, an android detective and a defunct PI [a drug addicted private investigator], whom while searching for clues in the PI?s sister?s murder [is hired to help an android detective solve a murder case] discover that their world is about to change [that threatens the very foundations of society].

A futuristic story about an odd couple detective duo, a defunct PI and an android detective, whom while searching for clues in the PI?s sister?s murder discover that their world is about to change.