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A grieving father takes a job as a janitor to break into a building and gatecrash a Christmas party to exact revenge on those who committed an unspeakable act against his son.
This logline had me HOOKED until you said "unspeakable act". The unspeakable act is directly spoken of when you say, "unspeakable act". However, changing unspeakable out for a different adjective fixes this problem immediately and leaves you with a very very well polished logline that sells. "HeinouRead more
This logline had me HOOKED until you said “unspeakable act”. The unspeakable act is directly spoken of when you say, “unspeakable act”. However, changing unspeakable out for a different adjective fixes this problem immediately and leaves you with a very very well polished logline that sells. “Heinous” “unforgivable” “destructive.” Maybe I am ridiculous, but to me (and my opinion is but a grain of salt) unspeakable loses me because it could be anything, when what I want is simplicity and a logline that is upfront.
WONDERFUL LOGLINE!!!
See lessDuring a neighborhood bicycle race a boy must survive the increasing signs of violent, psychopathic behavior of his younger brother.
Protagonist: Boy Antagonist: younger brother Stakes: The Boy's life / Survival Story Goal: ? I think that your premise has emotional potential, but currently it feels like the emotion is missing (in the logline). I am sure that as a screenwriter you have this story mapped out in your head as to theRead more
Protagonist: Boy
Antagonist: younger brother
Stakes: The Boy’s life / Survival
Story Goal: ?
I think that your premise has emotional potential, but currently it feels like the emotion is missing (in the logline). I am sure that as a screenwriter you have this story mapped out in your head as to the emotional predicament of a delusional and dangerous family member. But, in your current logline, it’s emotionless. Possibly something regarding the race could be used to describe the younger brother which would give us an incite into the emotional conflict. “violently jealous” “selfishly psychotic” something in relation to the event of the race like this could be used. Just food for thought, would love a response with a link to the short film when it is made!
See lessWhile working at a junkyard he finds an old radio which can help him hear to whoever he wants from President of US to his cheating girlfriend anyone.
This is an interesting premise, but could use some work as a logline. There is some emotion within the conflict this character could have with the world around him, yet there seems to be no clear antagonist to the film currently. A logline with an antagonist and stakes could look like this: "A JunkyRead more
This is an interesting premise, but could use some work as a logline. There is some emotion within the conflict this character could have with the world around him, yet there seems to be no clear antagonist to the film currently. A logline with an antagonist and stakes could look like this:
See less“A Junkyard worker in a dying relationship finds a radio that allows him to listen to whoever he wants, even his unfaithful girlfriend.”
This is a rough draft for a logline, but your premise is exceptionally fascinating with practically limitless possibilities for conflict. Hope my encouragement for a clear antagonist and stakes doesn’t come across rude or harshly.