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Leon DavisLogliner
When a Papuan native girl enters service in Sydney and meets a spoiled rich boy who becomes seriously ill, she must convince him that to survive he must adopt an ancient native tradition.
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This is interesting because there are a lot of specific details you have in your logline that absolutely need to be in this logline. This makes changes kind of tough.
I guess my only question would be. Is this story about the native girl, convincing the spoiled rich boy to adopt an ancient native tradition. Or is it about the two of them, traveling together in Papua in order to perform it?
I agree with Richiev. This is tough because of the amount of expositional stuff needed.
As Richiev hinted at, I think the story should take them out of Australia and back to her home. That is more interesting than her sitting by his bedside trying to convince him to adopt this tradition. Does he survive?
I think the message that you want to convey is key to constructing the plot and logline. Is it a film about faith? Tradition? Trust? innocence? Love?
I think the boy should be seriously ill from the start.
With the goal, I feel that “convince him” could be stronger. Once he agrees, her goal is done. Ultimately, her goal is actually to save him.
Interesting idea. I look forward to seeing where it goes.
I agree with Richie and Mike… it’s a very interesting idea that just needs a little more work. ?My thoughts are:
As the others have said.
Not only must she convince him that he’s got to go native in terms of medical treatment to survive, she must also convince the audience that it is a credible option, that it might actually work.
When a Papuan native girl enters service in Sydney and meets a spoiled rich boy who quickly becomes seriously ill, she entices him to her village to convince him that to survive he must ignore modern medical advice and adopt an ancient holistic treatment.
There seems to be a missing link in the logic in the story. That is,? what is her motivation?? Why is she trying to persuade the rich kid?? Is she in love with him?? Is that reciprocated?
And I would like a clarification of the phrase “enters service in Sydney”.? Specifically what does that mean?? Is she working for the family of the rich kid in some domestic role?? Working for him directly?? Or…?
?
When a Papuan native girl enters domestic service in Sydney and meets a spoiled rich boy who interrupts their romance by becoming seriously ill, she entices him to her village and convinces him that to survive he must ignore modern medical advice and adopt an ancient holistic treatment.
Maybe something like:
After all modern medical treatments have failed, a Papuan native must convince her rich, sophisticated boyfriend that his only hope for healing a mysterious ailment is to try an ancient holistic treatment.
Save how she meets him, how they hook up for the script.? That is? extraneous for the purpose of a logline. The logline? needs to cut to the chase, to the core of the dramatic issue:? he’s dying; she has a remedy. (Which, btw, satisfies Max Millimeter’s 6 word story concept test. Something I strongly recommend.? Distill your concept down to its essence in? 6 words– then expand into a logline.)
Further, I think it’s important to indicate in the logline that all other options have been exhausted.? Only then is it credible that an oh-so-modern, Western educated guy? would consider “primitive” traditional medicine.
fwiw
Never start with “When” or “After”. Readers don’t care about situations, they care about the people in those situations. Start with the protagonist, then define their status. Giving us all that information up front about the circumstances before even mentioning the person dealing with them is delaying your point of empathy and merely setting up exposition. It’s uninteresting and a bad way to format a logline.
Also you’re giving us too much information, things we don’t need. The logline is just supposed to get us interested in reading more, not spell out all the details of the script. We don’t need to know she’s just entered domestic service; it’s irrelevant. She meets him, it’s a given; it doesn’t matter how…not here, not yet. Just give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes, and do it in 25-30 words. This is 44 words, because you’re including way too many steps and separate actions: she entices, to convince, to survive, and adopt…it just goes on and on without adding any meaning. Keep it short and clear and simple.
“A compassionate Papuan native girl must convince a terminally ill spoiled rich boy to ignore modern medicine and receive ancient holistic treatment in her village.”
That’s everything we need to know, in 25 words. Save the rest for a synopsis, or the script itself.
After a spoilt, sophisticated graduate becomes seriously ill, he must change his life view when a Papuan native girl demonstrates that his only chance for survival rests on a holistic treatment in her village.
Re:? After a spoilt, sophisticated graduate becomes seriously ill, he must change his life view when a Papuan native girl demonstrates that his only chance for survival rests on a holistic treatment in her village.
The latest revision leads with the guy instead of the girl.? Which raises the question:? who owns this story vehicle?? Who is in the driver’s seat of the plot?? Even in the rewrite, it seems that the protagonist is the girl, not the guy.? She is the character who should be in the lead of the logline .
In all the versions, the native girl is a steadfast character; that is, she doesn’t undergo a dramatic arc of change.? It’s the rich boy who changes dramatically, as he must because of the stakes: he’s the one facing a life and death health crisis.
The usual rule is that the protagonist should have a character arc, a flaw or personal problem that requires a dramatic change.? But that rule is a guideline, not an ironclad, inviolate dramatic law.? It’s perfectly legit for some other character to own the character arc as long as that character has a significant relationship with the protagonist.? Which is certainly the case here.