Penpusher
Posted: 2020-02-19T04:59:56+10:00 In:

A wandering biker clinging to his small hometown makes the unfortunate decision to rob a bank after a chance encounter with another disgruntled soul. He must deal with his decisions while on the run from both his accomplice and the police.

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    2 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Clarification:? Is the bank he robbed in his town?? (If not, then why is that info included in the logline.)

      Now then.? At 41 words, the logline is a bit too long; it can and should be trimmed.? In loglines, less is more.

      >>>”He must deal with his decisions”

      The phrase is vague, a generalization that can refer to any one of 1,001 things he has to deal with.? And if it can mean 1,001 things, then in a logline it means nothing.?? A logline needs to be concrete and specific.

      So what specifically must he deal with?

      And what’s the story hook?? What makes this story different from all the other stories about people who rob banks?

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    2. Singularity

      You might want to clarify a seeming contradiction:

      1: “A wandering biker,” makes it seem like the lead is on the road roaming around

      2: “Clinging to his small hometown,” make it seem like the lead has never left his hometown.

      And easy fix with a little clarification.

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