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LouisianaMan1200Penpusher
Posted: February 25, 20202020-02-25T13:00:08+10:00 2020-02-25T13:00:08+10:00In: Thriller

A young street drummer must shut down a secret cloning laboratory after three escaped wolf-human hybrids follow him home.

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    1. mrliteral Samurai
      2020-02-25T18:58:08+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2020 at 6:58 pm

      Short and to the point. No commas. These are good things. So is starting with the protagonist and keeping the description simple. It might be nice to know what kind of street performer, but perhaps not entirely necessary.

      Then it derails. Life taking a new turn is a given; if that didn’t happen there wouldn’t be a story. Too vague. Gotta tell us what happens, why it’s interesting.

      Trio of clones with animalistic features…so there’s three animals after him? Cat people? Werewolves? Furries? What are we talking about here? Be more specific and be clear.

      Nobody begins to do anything…they’re either doing it or they’re not. You have a verb — stalk — use that. But you have to tell us why, or we don’t understand what the story is going to be. Also, “trio” is a singular noun, even though it describes multiple entities, therefore it should have been “trio of clones…begins to stalk him.” But that doesn’t matter since you should take out any form of “begin.”

      How is this enough of a conflict for a feature? Some stray animal folk follow this guy home? That’s like two scenes. What is the story about? Summarize the entire first half of the script up to the midpoint. Give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes.

      “A lonely street mime must shut down a secret government laboratory after three escaped cat-human hybrids follow him home.”

      I’m sure THAT isn’t your story but it is A story, and the premise is clear. That’s what your logline needs to be.

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