To be honest, I have no idea how to write a longline for this story.?
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The concept is about a young man, who runs away from his responsibilities as a future father, afraid of becoming as shitty and abusive father as his own. He comes upon a strange man who offers him a new life. He eventually agrees and switch bodies with normal looking body. Not long after the procedure, his new body starts rotting and needs constant supplies of human hearts, flesh, blood…anything (it will be explained in the script and it has a lot to do with the cult and the fact they want protagonists girlfriend too, don’t worry). When he refuses to do that, his mind and body starts collapsing, man is slowly dying. He starts realizing what he had and what he thrown away and wish to visit his gilfriend one last time before he dies. He finds her living with his old body, oblivious to the change (although she starts noticing that her boyfriend is not the same). Now here is the thing. This wasn’t a deal. Protagonists old body was supposed to be disposed of. Our protagonist rotting alive on a verge of death and disfigured, he has to persuade his gilfriend he is her true boyfriend and face the consequences of his actions as well as responsibilities he tried to avoid.
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with this story I want to show that sometimes people have to face what is to come and no matter how hard we try, we will have to face it sooner or later.?
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It is a story about realizing what true love means and that sacrificing yourself for your family and people close to you is better than living a long free life but alone.?
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I haven’t fully grasped the idea yet, but I want to know your opinions and how to make it better and more theme focused.
First KISS: keep it simple screenwriter.? Start with the basic plot elements explained under the formula section.
“…in order to start a run away from his pregnant girlfriend and start a new life…”
That part of the logline is a bit clunky and I would consider revising it.
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As for the logline itself. You have a good story in there somewhere. I would drop the hearts part of it honestly. It isn’t needed.
Here is an attempt, however, my attempt is probably a little clunky as well.
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“When a commitment-phobic man accepts an offer to switch bodies, he must make the ultimate commitment and save the girlfriend he’s running away from after discovering the cult member in his old body plans to sacrifice her.”
Thank you 🙂 I have been thinking about leaving that out because it doesn’t fit as well as I would like to…but I also feel there should be some toll for having this new body, otherwise everyone would want it. (You’re too ugly? Let’s get a new body. You’re dying? Let’s get a new body. Is police looking for you because you’re a murderer? Let’s get a new body)
And I want to try this toll to be conected to the cult so it makes sense.
learning that ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? he must
fresh supply of blood? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?to his old self
own plans with his girlfriend
the first set of inciting incident -> objective goal is what I suggest you go for in the logline-
After realizing that his new body requires an endless supply of fresh blood, a man must seek out the operators to reclaim his old body (25 Words)
The through line with his girlfriend becomes an added complication, to the fact that the cult members are not interested in the re-switch, which is all pretty good for the script,
but makes the logline harder to read- Returning to reclaim his old body, when a young man learns that his operators are trying to sacrifice his girlfriend, a commitment-phobic man must save her (27 Words) (not recommended)