Posted: 2012-12-02T05:42:33+10:00 In:

A teenage girl tries to stop her school teacher from marrying her mum after she mistakingly thought he kidnapped her missing father, not knowing it was his dangerous twin brother

Dark side of me

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    4 Reviews

    1. Heya. I found this a little hard to follow. I’d have a go a stripping it back and re-working it. I’d start with:

      A teenage girl must stop her mother from marrying her father’s kidnapper.

      I’d also suggest to put something describing the protagonist. Ideally related to her weaknesses. (E.g. “A teenage girl crippled by anxiety”).

      Finally, your logline suggests her only objective is to stop the wedding. Is her primary objective actually to solve the kidnapping?

      On a positive note, I think you have all the elements you need there, and I’m guessing your project is coming along well.

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    2. Singularity

      I think the logline outlines a twist (“…mistakenly thought…”) that may not be directly related to the plot at hand. As the plot will outline either; the girl’s actions in an attempt to stop the wedding or as Toastman remarked possibly to find her father.

      To that matter as noted in the previous comment there seams to be 2 possible goals in the one logline; 1 – stop wedding, 2 – find father. Best to choose and include only one in the logline, personally I think finding a missing father far more interesting than stopping a wedding.

      How about you don’t mention the wedding in the logline but keep it for the step-outline. Use the wedding as a motive in the girl’s mind for the antagonist to have done away with the father as well as a “ticking time bomb” for the A plot – finding the father. In this case if indeed it remains being discovered later in the plot in way of a twist as the doing of the evil brother, then in the logline it seams loosely if at all related to the A plot. Therefor it can be removed from the logline freeing up the valuable logline real-estate currently occupied by a possibly secondary goal.

      Hope this helps.

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    3. Actually i think i have emphasized too much on the girl stopping her mother’s marriage.The main plot is all about misjudging her school teacher to be someone dangerous whereas it’s the twin brother doing all the havoc. The subplot is finding her father. I think i should remove the aspect of the marriage in the logline as you suggested. Thanks and i never would have thought about adding a description to the main character. A devastated teenager, anxiety ridden teenager, all sounds better and would make more sense. Thanks again

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    4. Yes, thanks i think i will have to stick to the plot of the girl finding her kidnapped father. In this case, using Toastman and your suggestions, i wouldn’t know if this sound better: “A devastated teenager discovers her missing father is kidnapped by her school teacher, not knowing it was the handiwork of his embittered identical twin brother.” Thanks for your time

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