I AM STAR MAN
CLAY53Penpusher
Chris has been brutalized throughout the history of mankind, turned into a demon by God, he vows to stop mankind’s brutal rampage
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How? Who is Chris? (other than a demon). How has he been brutalised throughout the history of mankind and why is that relevant to the story other than a bit of back-story? Will doing this turn him back to what he was? Mankind’s brutal rampage against….?
Without understanding all of this, I don’t really understand the story. Most demons are bad guys, so you’ve to make sure his quest is something the audience will get behind. For that we need specifics.
We really don’t need his name. I’d rather know who he is.
By telling us he was turned into a demon by God, that suggests to me his goal is to be turned back? Is that the case? If so, make it sound like the goal in the logline, if not, I’d consider removing it altogether. Just referring to him as a *insert characteristic here* demon will do the job.
I’d say this is more Fantasy than SciFi.
Hi Mike, thanks for the review. This any better?
When the eternal soul is brain damaged by two brutal homicidal police officers, he turns into a demon to get his revenge.
I feel like it’s getting there.
In my head though, the protagonist turning into a demon would be the Act I turning point, so the logline needs to give me some clue HOW he’s going to get his revenge through Act II.
“the eternal soul” – what is the eternal soul? The way this is written makes me think I should know. Also, surely a soul is separate from the body… so can a soul be brain damaged?