Hi Logline it people.
I am interested to write a novel or the script of a program, so that one day, I and the next generations can read or watch on the internet, just as I liked to watch programs on television in my childhood. But, I’m not that good at expressing myself, so I’d like you to review my work and tell me where I could improve.
Thank you.
Hello and welcome!
Consider the following to strengthen your logline/premise:
1. A worldbuilder may benefit your logline to orientate the reader e.g., “Set in a dystopian future, …” OR “In a dystopian future enslaved by a tyrannical megacorp, …”
2. Try to produce a single word to describe your protag’s (before arc) psychology or sociology.
3. Who is this young man? E.g., “A downtrodden clerk.”
4. Concerning the major event (his call to action) – losing one’s humanity is good, but in this world doesn’t everybody? Thus, you need an answer for “why him to save the world, what makes him so special?”
5. Concerning your goal, your protag cannot attempt or try – he must do. Having a goal of destroying a soul-sucking evil megacorp is good! In loglines we need to see intent, thus he must.
6. Evil corps are vague when it comes to opposition, think about an antagonist, a baddie CEO – we need a face to punch 😉.
7. Stating how your protag is going to complete the goal is known as the “method” which is rare to see in loglines. In your case, I am intrigued by your questionable good/evil help, but I am unable to envision what this looks like.
8. Check out the Formula link in the header to hone your logline!
This is what I can gather: When a downtrodden lemming gets his soul ripped out by the evil megacorp he toils for, a good/bad angel (classic one on each shoulder) appears to help with the singular goal of destroying it to regain his soul/humanity.
Hope you find this constructive, for me the questionable help is your hook and may answer #4.
Take care.
I will just add to what Odie wrote.
1: I am not sure what the lead, “Losing his humanity” looks like. Is he half robot? Does he lose his empathy? What is your definition of humanity? Here would be an example of being more specific”
“When an evil mega-corp forces all their employees to take a drug that eliminates emotions, a shy clerk must…”
Now we know what ‘losing your humanity’ looks like, it means no emotions… Of course, your story will probably be different.
2: You say that good and evil look the same to the lead character but the lead character obviously knows evil when he sees it because that is why he is fighting against the ‘evil’ megacorp.
Perhaps: “When an evil mega-corp forces their employees to take a drug that eliminates emotions, a shy clerk with the evidence, teams up with two opposing terrorist organizations to take down the conglomerate but those who want the power may be just as bad as those who have it.”
Again this is just a guideline your logline will probably be different.
Hope this helped
I like the idea of the two sides good and evil, from which he finds no difference!!
Thank you all 3 for your tips and cheers! I’ll be working on that in the meantime. Goodbye.