Uberwriter
Posted: 2016-08-24T21:25:14+10:00 In:

After giving a tape showing a ritual killing to a deputy. Both the tape and the deputy go missing. When he finds more tapes he needs to get them to the police and survive attacks from unknown individuals. PS: small town, he thinks the cops are involved.

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    7 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I believe it would help if you told us a little bit about the lead character.

      Also, since the first tape went missing and he believes the police may be involved, it might be better if the second time his goal would be to take the new tapes to a different place… maybe the local news or the FBI.

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    2. Logliner

      Note: I am by no means a professional, so I’m a little unsure of myself, but the first thing I would suggest is to make it flow a little more. The way you split it into sentences makes it choppy.? Also, we don’t know who the protagonist is, and he should merit a few words. The idea is really cool, though.
      Try this:

      After [THE PROTAGONIST] gives a tape showing a ritual killing to a deputy, both tape and deputy go missing. When he finds more tapes, he must get them to the police before the perpetrators strike again and survive attacks by unknown individuals.

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    3. Uberwriter

      Thanks. ?This is killing me. ?He finds a tape, gives it to the deputy, deputy goes missing. ?The rest of the Police seem to be not that interested. ?The deputy then turns up dead. ?Strange things start happening. ?The Police seem to be involved.

      when new tapes are found, he doesn’t know what to do.

      I have to answer the FBI question. ?Mobile phones do make it harder to isolate characters. ?I’ll post again soon.

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    4. Singularity

      In the Internet age, wouldn’t it be a video disk rather than a tape? ?Or maybe a video file on a smartphone? (Stories, unless set in the dark ages before the Internet, need be updated with the current technology.)

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    5. Singularity

      Oh. ?And almost the entirety of the 1st Act is the search for a working VCR to play it, right? 🙂

      Anyway, ?I bet I am not the only one who will wonder about why a tape, not a disc, or video file.??Maybe stipulate it’s an “old” ?videotape .

      Not that I’m asking to know the spoiler, but do you know how it all ends up, what the final ?Big Reveal, Big Reversal, Final Denouement are?

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    6. Singularity

      The logline is a bit long and some what unclear.

      However from your responses to the others I got more details and clarity.
      Perhaps:
      After he uncovers a police coverup over of a series of murders, a renovator must protect the evidence he’s got from the local police department and deliver it safely to the federal authorities.

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    7. Everyone has made the points I could — make it flow better, get it down to an appropriate length etc. etc.

      I want to give you a positive: The title works for me because it conjures the image of the kids cartoon but your logline isn’t at all. Great irony, nice work.

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