When several soldiers mysteriously die during training, a young soldier learns that his supervisor is responsible for the deaths and must fight to prevent future deaths.
csantan2Logliner
When several soldiers mysteriously die during training, a young soldier learns that his supervisor is responsible for the deaths and must fight to prevent future deaths.
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Sounds like something is missing. What kind of soldiers? Is it wartime or not? What sort of final fight will this be?
1: I believe what sets the story in motion is the discovery that his supervisor is responsible for the training deaths
2: You should personalize the death, make the victim someone he knows
3: You should define what you mean by ‘fight’ after all they are soldiers, does that mean a gun battle, a court battle? What kind of fight are you talking about. Be specific.
Here would be an example of adding those elements: (Yours would be different of course)
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“When he discovers?his supervisor is responsible for the training death of his best friend, a loyal soldier must take on his malicious Gunny Sargent in a one on one battle to the death.”
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Agreed with the above comments.
Best to clearly define his goal – does he want to kill the drill sergeant? Does he want to have him court-martialed? What specifically is he trying to do?
Will the story cover the course of his basic training? Or will the story, much like Full Metal Jacket, stretch the course of his early military career?
Great comments. Very helpful. Thank you. Originally, it was his best friend who was killed…at least one of the people who were killed. ?I wasn’t sure how much should go into the logline. I will revise and repost. I’m new to this forum. Should I post a revision to this thread…or start a new post?
Sounds like a great premise, I have a few suggestions you might (or might not!) want to play with.?Consider upping the stakes by adding an adjective to specify the odd/gruesome/etc. details about the deaths , include a?character flaw by adding a different?adjective to describe the soldier (e.g. paranoid, overly zealous, former juvenile delinquent, etc.)?Maybe strengthen the “is responsible for the deaths” with something less passive (e.g. sacrificed his men in a corrupt power-play, or similar) and maybe strengthen the stakes by adding a consequence for failure (e.g. .. must fight to prevent future deaths… “including his own” or “before he is court-martialed”? or “before his supervisor discovers he is exposed” or something along those lines.??Best of luck