After a young businessman is told that he is a loser and his life is lonely and meaningless, he observes the people in his city and sees what makes them feel loved so that he too can be like them.
JasonGPenpusher
After a young businessman is told that he is a loser and his life is lonely and meaningless, he observes the people in his city and sees what makes them feel loved so that he too can be like them.
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Jason,
This sounds like a self-help seminar rather than a movie hook. What’s unique that this business guy has to encounter or conquer to achieve his goal when the curtain goes down? You’re going to need a lot more to interest a party into making this into a feature.
Try to list some more about where your story goes.
Good luck
What’s the conflict? Story is conflict. It’s good for a movie character to have an inner conflict, but a logline should only describe the external conflict. What is his objective goal?
I don’t believe your inciting incident is strong enough
You should personalize it; like if his father, wife or mentor tells him these things, it would have more of an impact with the reader
Agreed with all the above comments.
Also, terms such as “…his life is lonely and meaningless…” and “…sees what makes them feel loved…” are subjective and vague – they are not useful in loglines. Loglines are best made up of clear specific details, for example: lonely could mean he is single, has no friends or family, and meaningless could mean anything: lacking career options, a legacy or having no impact on society.
Best for a logline to be written with specificity and clear detail.