Dead Drunk
JayKPenpusher
A recovering alcoholic, teetering on the brink of relapse, uncovers a shadowy 12-step labyrinth of blackmail, human trafficking and murder while he probes the brutal death of his sponsor.
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A recovering alcoholic teeters on the brink of relapse as he uncovers a dark labyrinth of blackmail, human trafficking and murder by his 12-step sponsor while investigating his brutal death.
Thanks for tightening it up.
However, the precipitating event is the death of his sponsor, which event gets “buried” in your rewrite. Also, a great part of the risk is involved with his needing to revisit the very people and places that almost killed him in the first place.
I’ve been thinking something more along this line:
“A recovering alcoholic risks his sobriety by returning to his old haunts in search of answers to his sponsor’s brutal death, and uncovers a shadowy 13th-step labyrinth of blackmail, human trafficking and murder.”
Closer to what’s really going on. Your thoughts?
Well….
While investigating the murder of his sponsor, a recovering alcoholic teeters on the brink of relapse as he discovers his sponsor engaged in a dark 12-step labyrinth of blackmail, human trafficking and murder.
34 words instead of 30 in my 1st try (I meant to position 12-step with labyrinth in my earlier version). And it feels a little awkward to me. And I eschew repeating key words in a logline where brevity is critical.
I don’t think “returning to his old haunts” is critical to your logline (although it obviously is important to your story). A logline is about selling the sizzle, not describing the steak in detail. The sizzle of your logline — to me, anyway — is the discovery that his sponsor was no saint, far from it. And the stakes and dilemma for the protagonist. The shocking discoveries continually threaten to trigger a relapse. BUT he can’t walk away from the crime; he must solve the murder no matter where the evidence leads him. He’s damned if he does investigate, damned if he doesn’t.
That’s a hook that grabs my attention.
Given the emotional bonds that often develop in an alcoholic-sponsor relationship, how newbies look up to sponsors as role models, I think your twist on the sponsor is a winner. This is a premise I would love to see played out on the silver screen. Best wishes with your story.
Again, thanks for your encouraging critique!
As a matter of fact, I had in mind that a sleazy sponsor would turn out to be “good”, but now I see the twist you’ve torqued and it intrigues me! At the very least, he should be morally ambiguous.
Having to seek information in all the wrong old places is a deadly irony to a person who knows he must sever links with his drunken past. I think the challenge of that irony is pivotal: if he doesn’t go back, he’ll never know; if he goes back, he may not recover and likely die.
I think I’m pretty close to beat-sheeting this (novel, actually) and pulling together all my research and personal experience.
I welcome further input from everyone!
I realize that revisiting old habitats would would be triggers for old habits — a serious enough threat to the character flaw.
But it seems to me it would make for a more interesting story (and more original?) if a good sponsor turns out to be a bad person. As you know, the AA program emphasizes that sponsor are no saints, and they are the 1st ones to say so themselves. Sobriety is a state of mind, not a state of moral rectitude. Even so, the undercurrents of psychological transference in the relationship make it almost unavoidable for newbies to look up to their sponsors as role models. And then to find out…
Anyway, it’s your story. Good luck, whatever way you decide to tell it.
Yes, there is indeed another shade of irony in his not being even close to sainthood! I agree with your tweeks and twists! Now, to build the layers of each personality like baking baklavah!
Thanks!
“An alcoholic near relapse probes the brutal death of his sponsor and uncovers a shadowy 12-step labyrinth of blackmail, human trafficking and murder.”