Roughneck Emperor
stumptownPenpusher
An ambitious and completely unscrupulous young man uses his guts and his guile to become one of the biggest oilmen in Oklahoma. In the end, after years of backstabbing and dirty dealings, he must fight the enemies earned over a lifetime to hang on to his empire.
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This logline has most of the elements of a good logline (protag, antagonist, goal, obstacle, stakes), but there are a few things might improve it.
First, tighten up the wording. Things like “his guts and his guile” might be more succinctly stated as “his ingenuity.” Same thing with “backstabbing and dirty dealings” – this is already established by stating that he is unscrupulous.
Second, try to condense it to one sentence if possible, perhaps by tying the inciting incident to the throughline of the story.
Third, Consider naming a specific antagonist. “He must fight the enemies earned over a lifetime” gives a rather vague picture of what he’s up against.
Example:
After an unscrupulous prospector rises through his ingenuity to become an Oklahoma oil kingpin, he must fight the ambitious young D.A. determined to take down his empire.
Hope this helps
This logline has most of the elements of a good logline (protag, antagonist, goal, obstacle, stakes), but there are a few things might improve it.
First, tighten up the wording. Things like “his guts and his guile” might be more succinctly stated as “his ingenuity.” Same thing with “backstabbing and dirty dealings” – this is already established by stating that he is unscrupulous.
Second, try to condense it to one sentence if possible, perhaps by tying the inciting incident to the throughline of the story.
Third, Consider naming a specific antagonist. “He must fight the enemies earned over a lifetime” gives a rather vague picture of what he’s up against.
Example:
After an unscrupulous prospector rises through his ingenuity to become an Oklahoma oil kingpin, he must fight the ambitious young D.A. determined to take down his empire.
Hope this helps
The concept as a whole sounds interesting; the rise and fall of… an epic tail of a man that fights his way up to the top of…
Good comments from Gilgamesh I’ll add that the main action (most of act 2) of the story is unclear. Is this story about the MC rising to the top of the oil business in Oklahoma? Or is it about him fighting his enemies once there?
Once these questions are answered you can re draft the logline accordingly to indicate the start and finish of the story.
Hope this helps.
The concept as a whole sounds interesting; the rise and fall of… an epic tail of a man that fights his way up to the top of…
Good comments from Gilgamesh I’ll add that the main action (most of act 2) of the story is unclear. Is this story about the MC rising to the top of the oil business in Oklahoma? Or is it about him fighting his enemies once there?
Once these questions are answered you can re draft the logline accordingly to indicate the start and finish of the story.
Hope this helps.
Gilgamesh and Nir Shelter, thanks for taking the time to crit my logline. The story is mostly about the MC’s rise to the top, but that serves to set up the battle in the end. Good idea re: being more specific about the antagonist.
Gilgamesh and Nir Shelter, thanks for taking the time to crit my logline. The story is mostly about the MC’s rise to the top, but that serves to set up the battle in the end. Good idea re: being more specific about the antagonist.
I see, in that case unless your planning on an epic rise from dust to power ala’ Citizen you know who…
Better to focus the logline so it reflects his specific action that make him rich and the obstacle that he had to overcome to achieve it.
I would add also that in some ways the rise to power and money has been done many times in many ways. That’s not to say it isn’t a good idea rather I suggest thinking of how can you make it more interesting. Have you considered a woman as the MC then she would have to fight all the same battles a man would only with the added burden of other people’s sexist behaviors.
This is going to sound a bit “out there” but this is a forum for suggestions of improvement and better to suggest than not I find. How about you give her an impairment such as; being def, having one leg being bi polar, etc…
The reason is that the external obstacles she or he will face are one layer of difficulty. Whereas the personal disability could add another layer for the MC to struggle with and as a rule of thumb the greater the struggle the sweeter the prize.
I see, in that case unless your planning on an epic rise from dust to power ala’ Citizen you know who…
Better to focus the logline so it reflects his specific action that make him rich and the obstacle that he had to overcome to achieve it.
I would add also that in some ways the rise to power and money has been done many times in many ways. That’s not to say it isn’t a good idea rather I suggest thinking of how can you make it more interesting. Have you considered a woman as the MC then she would have to fight all the same battles a man would only with the added burden of other people’s sexist behaviors.
This is going to sound a bit “out there” but this is a forum for suggestions of improvement and better to suggest than not I find. How about you give her an impairment such as; being def, having one leg being bi polar, etc…
The reason is that the external obstacles she or he will face are one layer of difficulty. Whereas the personal disability could add another layer for the MC to struggle with and as a rule of thumb the greater the struggle the sweeter the prize.
Echo Nir’s concerns – I’m not sure how you’re going to get around the inevitable comparisons to Paul Thomas Anderson’s brilliantly crafted “There Will Be Blood,” unless you’ve got something radically different in terms of setting, character, or underlying story.
Echo Nir’s concerns – I’m not sure how you’re going to get around the inevitable comparisons to Paul Thomas Anderson’s brilliantly crafted “There Will Be Blood,” unless you’ve got something radically different in terms of setting, character, or underlying story.