Dreams
Ian Hemlock is swept away to a magical land after he falls out of an attic window and embarks on a quest to find a slipper for a dead girl who can help him find his missing father.
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Replace “and” with “where he”. “And” makes it feel like two unrelated events. If you put the fall first it makes the events chronological which is better. Finally I don’t think I learned anything knowing his name, “old man”, “young man” or “teenager” puts an image in my head.
Well done.
It seems to be a complete concept. I hope this helps.
Replace “and” with “where he”. “And” makes it feel like two unrelated events. If you put the fall first it makes the events chronological which is better. Finally I don’t think I learned anything knowing his name, “old man”, “young man” or “teenager” puts an image in my head.
Well done.
It seems to be a complete concept. I hope this helps.
No need to name the MC in a logline unless it is critical for the reader to understand the story.
This reads like an interesting fantasy concept with similarities to the Narnia, Alice in Wonderland or The Endless Summer books with the gateway into the new magical world being the attic window instead of a cupboard, rabbit hole or book.
The challenge in my mind facing most magical gate way stories is not the originality of the gate way as the mechanism by which the MC enters the magic world is less important than the story on the other side. Rather it is connecting the “normal” world with the “magical” world or reflecting the problems the MC has in the “real” world through the problems he or she have in the magical world.
In this logline there seams to be little cause and effect relationship between the missing father, dead girl and the magical land. Perhaps if you re word the logline to read that the reason the MC entered the magical world was to follow the footsteps of his missing father. Also it feels as if the stakes would be higher if the father would go searching for a little boy as the father could presumably fend for him self better than a little boy can. This way you can increase the potential for danger and maybe even introduce a ticking time bomb such as; “…must find the boy before a ferocious monster gets him…”.
e.g:
After his son disappears an accountant discovers his footsteps leading into an attic window he follows and falls through the window into a magical land where he meets a dead girl that can help him find his son before a ferocious monster finds him.
Or something to that effect.
Hope this helps.
No need to name the MC in a logline unless it is critical for the reader to understand the story.
This reads like an interesting fantasy concept with similarities to the Narnia, Alice in Wonderland or The Endless Summer books with the gateway into the new magical world being the attic window instead of a cupboard, rabbit hole or book.
The challenge in my mind facing most magical gate way stories is not the originality of the gate way as the mechanism by which the MC enters the magic world is less important than the story on the other side. Rather it is connecting the “normal” world with the “magical” world or reflecting the problems the MC has in the “real” world through the problems he or she have in the magical world.
In this logline there seams to be little cause and effect relationship between the missing father, dead girl and the magical land. Perhaps if you re word the logline to read that the reason the MC entered the magical world was to follow the footsteps of his missing father. Also it feels as if the stakes would be higher if the father would go searching for a little boy as the father could presumably fend for him self better than a little boy can. This way you can increase the potential for danger and maybe even introduce a ticking time bomb such as; “…must find the boy before a ferocious monster gets him…”.
e.g:
After his son disappears an accountant discovers his footsteps leading into an attic window he follows and falls through the window into a magical land where he meets a dead girl that can help him find his son before a ferocious monster finds him.
Or something to that effect.
Hope this helps.
A young boy who falls out of an attic window, is swept away to a magical land where he embarks on a quest to find a slipper for a dead girl who can help him find his missing father.
Thanks you.
A young boy who falls out of an attic window, is swept away to a magical land where he embarks on a quest to find a slipper for a dead girl who can help him find his missing father.
Thanks you.
I think the the slipper does not need to be mentioned here becuase it is not the main conflict. The conflict is finding his father. Anything that leads to that should not be in the logline. “after he falls out of an attic window, a young boy embarks on a quest to find his missing father” Boom, short and sweet 🙂
I think the the slipper does not need to be mentioned here becuase it is not the main conflict. The conflict is finding his father. Anything that leads to that should not be in the logline. “after he falls out of an attic window, a young boy embarks on a quest to find his missing father” Boom, short and sweet 🙂
Sorry I left out the “magical world.” Which is important to the story. after he falls out of an attic window, a young boy lands in a magical world and embarks on a quest to find his missing father?
Sorry I left out the “magical world.” Which is important to the story. after he falls out of an attic window, a young boy lands in a magical world and embarks on a quest to find his missing father?