Three Sheets
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This is hinting at a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type story but fails to specify a main character and goal.
Who is the story about and what does he or she want to achieve?
Hope this helps.
This is hinting at a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type story but fails to specify a main character and goal.
Who is the story about and what does he or she want to achieve?
Hope this helps.
I worked in bar in my teens. Sounds like every drunk.
If the dark side is super dark give an example. Then say what happens. Dark side could be a murderous past, or uncontrollable rage. How does this change the world? Put yourself in a producer’s shoes. They read your lines and can’t make an assessment. How many characters? What era, is it a costume drama?
If you take the view a logline is a sales pitch, what is being sold?
I worked in bar in my teens. Sounds like every drunk.
If the dark side is super dark give an example. Then say what happens. Dark side could be a murderous past, or uncontrollable rage. How does this change the world? Put yourself in a producer’s shoes. They read your lines and can’t make an assessment. How many characters? What era, is it a costume drama?
If you take the view a logline is a sales pitch, what is being sold?
Thanks Nir,
I think I was trying to keep it short and punchy. Here is a re-write, taking in the story, hero, achieve feedback:
“Andrew, a working class Australian just wants to have a few and watch the cricket, but a dark side is revealed when his drunken persona awakens in the form of the three sheets blowing to life from the washing line. Andrew must now try and control his demons before they destroy his house.”
Regards
Thanks Nir,
I think I was trying to keep it short and punchy. Here is a re-write, taking in the story, hero, achieve feedback:
“Andrew, a working class Australian just wants to have a few and watch the cricket, but a dark side is revealed when his drunken persona awakens in the form of the three sheets blowing to life from the washing line. Andrew must now try and control his demons before they destroy his house.”
Regards
Drunkenness can manifest a radically different personality. I’ve seen it happen. The question is what is he going to do about his drinking problem? Unfortunately, “control his demons” is general, lacks specificity. What is his specific plan for controlling his demons. Checking into detox? Going to AA meetings? What?
Drunkenness can manifest a radically different personality. I’ve seen it happen. The question is what is he going to do about his drinking problem? Unfortunately, “control his demons” is general, lacks specificity. What is his specific plan for controlling his demons. Checking into detox? Going to AA meetings? What?
Thanks dpg,
In my mind, these sheets come to life as his drunken persona and fight the hero (Andrew) during the struggle the sheets catch fire and in turn set the house on fire. Andrew just escapes, the house burns down.
So I was thinking the film ends with Andrews realisation of how much these demons have cost him.
Maybe:
Andrew, a working class Australian just wants to have a few and watch the cricket, but a dark side is revealed when his drunken persona awakens in the form of the three sheets blowing to life from the washing line. Andrew finds himself fighting his demons, a struggle ensures resulting in Andrew’s house burning down.?
Thanks dpg,
In my mind, these sheets come to life as his drunken persona and fight the hero (Andrew) during the struggle the sheets catch fire and in turn set the house on fire. Andrew just escapes, the house burns down.
So I was thinking the film ends with Andrews realisation of how much these demons have cost him.
Maybe:
Andrew, a working class Australian just wants to have a few and watch the cricket, but a dark side is revealed when his drunken persona awakens in the form of the three sheets blowing to life from the washing line. Andrew finds himself fighting his demons, a struggle ensures resulting in Andrew’s house burning down.?
It seems to me that a more interesting story would be what happens, what he does as a result of his epiphany. Yet that is where you want to end the story, on an unresolved, negative beat? Why?
It seems to me that a more interesting story would be what happens, what he does as a result of his epiphany. Yet that is where you want to end the story, on an unresolved, negative beat? Why?
This is a short film right?
If so set up quickly that he has a problem with alcohol and as DPG said resolve the story on a positive note after he understands the error of his ways.
Perhaps after his house burns down he picks up another bottle but instead of drinking it he throws it away. Make him come to a good conclusion and become a better person as a result of his experiences.
About the log line:
No need to name the MC in the log line.
“…a working class Australian…” is too generic a description for a MC, better to be more specific in the MC’s description.
No need to mention “… just wants to have a few and watch the cricket,”.
“…but a dark side is revealed when his drunken persona awakens in the form of the three sheets blowing to life from the washing line.” To many words to describe the inciting incident. This dilutes its impact on the reader and it should come first in this case.
“…Andrew finds himself fighting his demons,” is a weak description of an action a MC takes. He should not be passive rather active therefore he doesn’t “find him self” rather he actively seeks to fight the thing.
Lastly the stakes are not high enough for this story put his life at risk instead of just his house.
e.g: After his rage comes to life and possesses inanimate objects a drunken [character description] must fight a demonic bed sheet to save his life and learn to quit drinking for good.
This is a short film right?
If so set up quickly that he has a problem with alcohol and as DPG said resolve the story on a positive note after he understands the error of his ways.
Perhaps after his house burns down he picks up another bottle but instead of drinking it he throws it away. Make him come to a good conclusion and become a better person as a result of his experiences.
About the log line:
No need to name the MC in the log line.
“…a working class Australian…” is too generic a description for a MC, better to be more specific in the MC’s description.
No need to mention “… just wants to have a few and watch the cricket,”.
“…but a dark side is revealed when his drunken persona awakens in the form of the three sheets blowing to life from the washing line.” To many words to describe the inciting incident. This dilutes its impact on the reader and it should come first in this case.
“…Andrew finds himself fighting his demons,” is a weak description of an action a MC takes. He should not be passive rather active therefore he doesn’t “find him self” rather he actively seeks to fight the thing.
Lastly the stakes are not high enough for this story put his life at risk instead of just his house.
e.g: After his rage comes to life and possesses inanimate objects a drunken [character description] must fight a demonic bed sheet to save his life and learn to quit drinking for good.