Fat-Man
When a frustrated public servant is fired from his meaningless job, he decides to become a masked vigilante, protecting his neighbourhood.
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Hello, this could be funny but as a logline it lacks information about the 2/3 of the movie: what happens when he protect his neighbourhood?
And why, of all the choices he could make after being fired, does he decide to become a vigilante? The inciting incident (getting fired) and the decision (become a vigilante) lacks a strong, obvious causal connection.
I want to say this one is my favourite of the 3 loglines you published. There’s still A LOT of work to be done, mostly to have a kind of structure and coherence as dpg suggest. Focus about his real, deep, intimate goal: is him fat and he wants to get thinner? Try to focus about his true enemy, the one he needs to beat to reach his goal: maybe The Hamburger Man? Try to study the “kick ass” movies, analyze the plots and try to find the loglines, then come back to your idea and try to put doan again your logline.
I like this is the most out of your three as well, but it risks being dangerously close to being “Super”. Why does np he need to protect his neighbourhood… Hope this helps.
Agreed with all the above.
Also what is at stake? What will happen if he doesn’t protect the neighbourhood? What will happen if he does?
Hope this helps.
Okay… here’s my next reworking:
After witnessing how easily the system let?s down someone he loves, a frustrated social worker leaves his job and becomes a masked vigilante.